Relief & grief

When H is sleeping for much of the day, I get a break. And I get sad and lonely too.

When he's sleeping, I can pretty much do what I want. (Although he has an uncanny sense of timing and seems to often wake up just when I decide to watch one of those all-male movies.) And I don't get asked questions, don't get handed projects, and am not subject to the guilting that he unintentionally does so automatically these days.

And when he's sleeping, I can pretend, if only for a bit, that I am not a caregiver for my dying partner.

And when he's sleeping, I don't have to listen to the same few topics: his health worries, his anger at his parents for what they did/didn't do when he was a child, paranoid delusion that people are watching us for some unknown reason (because we must have done something), and, or course, what needs to get done around the house.

But lately when he's sleeping, I'm struggling to think of anything except how much I miss him. And I cry for a bit and it passes.

Then he gets up and I still miss him.