Projects around our house don't get done anymore. We had a major remodel about 3 years ago, but then H went into the hospital, had 6 or less months to live, and I lost all interest in doing anything around here. Except for the garden and the plants in the sunroom…my garden is my sanctuary.
H has been after me, quite vigorously, about "getting stuff around here done." After 3 or 4 conversations about the project (where I try to put it in the context of all that is going on, aka not a priority for moi), he starts it. Painting is what he loves. So he's started 2 painting projects recently. There is still blue tape on 3 walls and two windows and a wall is 2/3 rds a brand new, dark color, which I LOVE.
I am so not into working on our house…right now...when he is dying or at least very, very sick. I would love to do a project with him, but he can't stay out of bed for more than a few hours right now. How I miss our time together, getting stuff done around here.
I don't tell him all the reasons why I'm not into working on the house: time, energy, a problematic back, or, the real reason: how much I miss him that he is not there to do these things with. To accomplish a project, have some fun, and then have wild monkey sex. Oh, throw in some scotch and a bacon cheeseburger with fries and … well, our times together, working on our life together. Good times that I miss.
It is hard when he bitches me out for projects not getting done, like the painting. He's right: it desperately needs to get done. But it isn't about the house anymore. His distress is all about that HE can't do the projects anymore. It isn't about me. I can't possibly understand his anger at what is happening.
And I want to tell him why I don't have the heart or the motivation to have the work done. He can't even supervise a crew anymore…him, a master of conducting. And I won't point that out to him when he is worked up and angry at the world…if ever.
So, when he bitches me out, all I can do is agree that it needs to be done and tell him that I love him.
Monday, August 13, 2007
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1 comment:
Hi; I just wandered in from . . ..... somewhere and started reading and decided to stop, but couldn't . So didn't. But your candor at first made me feel like an emotional voyeur or something. And then I thought, "well, he is expressing himself in public, inviting the public to watch, and in fact, join in", so I decided that I would. Not much to say except that a lot of folks are deciding to leave the earth now and it must be very difficult and conflicting to be so close to one. Einar
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