Wednesday, June 03, 2009

When it is time

When we had an old cat who was quite sick, the vet told us that he would die pretty soon, but that he wasn't in pain and so we should take him home and enjoy him while we can. "He'll let you know when it is time," the vet said.

So, we took our old kitty home and just spent time with him like we always did: treats, cuddling, and just sitting with him on the couch, petting. The old cat wasn't interested in playing with his toys, the other cats, or with us, but he wanted to hang around us a lot.

And, after awhile, it was time, but we had a few weeks more together where we enjoyed one another's company.

Of course, I think about this now that H is going off his anti-viral meds again, just as he has several times before…each time being a bad trip for all concerned.

In the past, when he's gone off his meds, H has been much more functional than he is now…we could by and large have a normal time together, at least for a month or so until the virus flared up again and he went into the hospital or couldn't figure out how to use his cell phone.

I need to manage my expectations better. I keep thinking that he'll be able to do stuff with me once he's stopped taking the meds that make him sickest. But reality intrudes. And I keep wanting him to be able to do things, not run a marathon, just normal things.

H doesn't want to play or run around, of course, he just wants to hang out and be with me. And right now, I find that rather painful for many reasons, not the least of which it brings up much fear that I'll have to descend into the depths of pain and grief yet again.

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