Monday, March 05, 2007

The unbearable lightness of waiting...

I've been working up the courage to put H into a facility. There's been a shift from wondering "is this the right thing to do?"to "I'm going to do it, now when do I?" Really, it's "when do I talk with H about it?"

It's hard to describe, but I feel so much better knowing that I'm going to do it (as opposed to sitting on the horns of the dilemma all the time). I feel lighter, feels right for me, even tho' I am nervous about how H will react.

So, I've talked with his Dr. and talked with the facility. They are ready for H at any point in the "near future." And Dr. is on board.

Now, I just need to talk with H about this. And I'd like to do it sooner rather than later. Don't know that there is any good time, there is just a time. H will likely be upset & angry...but I owe it to him and to myself to be honest.

This weekend, H was up for just a few hours during the day and then back to bed. He keeps telling me that he's tired of feeling bad, of being in pain. He's said this several times this weekend.

Oh, our cat of many years has cancer, it is incurable without heroics (and unclear that even heroics can help), and I don't want to put our kitty through that. Sigh. H and I have discussed this and he's way more upset than I am about this. I mean, I love our kitty and everything, but it is just more sickness in the house that I have to deal with from my perspective.

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