Tuesday, March 06, 2007

"You don't want me here"

I finally had the conversation with H last night about going to a facility. Not a pleasant conversation, as expected. I came to the conclusion that I just had to say something as it has been eating at me for so long.

I presented it as, "I'd like you to consider the possibility of going to x for three reasons:

Our relationship is not what it couldbe. I'd like to be your partner again, not your caregiver and as long as I have care responsibilities, I can't.

Your care needs are increasing over time.

I need to focus on my work."

His reply, "You're breaking up with me."

"No, I'm not. It isn't about that. I'm burned out. I'm asking this because I love you."

He says, "I'm not going unless my doctor tells me."

"I've talked with him on and off the past several years about this. He's been willing to write the order 4 times this past year and I've said 'no'. I want you to condsider that you're sicker than you think you are...that you're in denial about it."

He's crying. "You said that you'd never make me leave my home, our home."

"I'm not making you leave. I'm asking you to consider it. Nothing will change here at the house. You can come visit on the weekends, maybe during the week even. The pets will be here, nothing will change."

"I've been stewing about this for the past year and a half. I've got others telling me that it is time and that they don't know how I can keep doing what I'm doing."

I encouraged him to think about it, to check it out with others, keeping in mind that others may not cop to it.

"Well, if I have to leave, I'm going to commit suicide. (Suicidal thoughts again.) I won't be able to survive anywhere else."

I told him that's not what I want. Place is a wonderful place, tho' admittedly, I would be frightened too if I were him.

He's pressing for someone to come in and care for him now, something that he's resisted for a long, long time. I told him that I didn't think that this would help as I've got to take care of the arrangements, etc. because he won't be able to do that part. In other words, no real relief for me.

Also, he's very suspicious of my motives and I pointed out that he's been more than a little paranoid recently...like accusing me of stealing from his savings account 3 times over the past year. I suggest that he just take what I'm saying at face value.

For the rest of the night, H is running about the house, doing chores, cleaning up, putting laundry away. He is trying to prove that he can help, that he's not that much of a burden.

Both of us crying from time to time and me holding him, telling him that I love him.

Dinner and bed. Not much else there. He's in a state of shock and I would be too. I'm tired and have had more than enough to drink.

This morning he gets up as I'm heading out for work (after a nice hot tub soak on a sunny spring morning for moi!). He's crying. Oh, God, I can't miss anymore work...

I look him in the eye and tell thim that I love him. And that I have to go to work.

He says, "You don't want me here."

"That's not what I said. That's your guilt saying that. I said it was for 3 reasons: our relationship is not what it could be, your care needs are increasing, & I need to focus on work. I did NOT say that I don't want you here. You are saying that, not me. I want you healthy and here, but that isn't going to happen at this point. I have to go to work, honey."

I hate leaving the house when he's crying.

I expected that he would be upset and it hurts me to see him cry, but I simply had to bring this up. There's a part of me that thinks I should have stayed home today, but I'm just not going to.

I am so tired of dealing with all of this stuff. And somehow, I have to focus at work.

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