Friday, March 16, 2007

Unconditional love

After talking with H about "going somewhere" (sic), life at home has been less tense and entirely predictable. I certainly feel much better and am more relaxed, more present. Lesson: I should have talked with him about this awhile ago; I held back due to not wanting to upset him.

I should know better by now. I did in fact upset him a great deal. His first reaction was that I'm divorcing him. He sees me wanting him to go somewhere as losing my love, not something I'm after as a result of my love for him.

But we both survived and life in all its mystery & glory just goes on.

Now, H is all about proving to me that he's not so sick, doesn't need so much care. He's been running around, cleaning the house, shampooing the carpets, dressing up during the day, etc.
There's this whole notion that if he can just prove that he is healthy, then I'll somehow change my mind. Practically speaking, it also means that he will withold important information from me, e.g, how he's feeling, whether he's fallen, etc.

He equates going somewhere, even a place that we both agree is wonderful, with "being thrown out onto the street" and losing my love.

He asked me, "Is cleaning the house enough?" Huh? Enough what?

I told him that I really appreciate the help with the house. But I'll love him whether he cleans or not. Whether he's sick or not. In fact, no matter what.

My love for him doesn't change. In fact, if I didn't love him I would not be having such a hard time with all this.

What he's trying to do is to prove how well & self-sufficient he is, but I already know better. It's not sustainable. He'll bust his booty for awhile and then collapse and sleep for several days. I have seen this cycle before.

Nothing that he does (save for maybe winnning a 10K race right now) will change my mind about what I think is the right thing for him (and for me).

How do you say (other than just saying it)? "My love for you is unconditional as it has been for the last almost 25 years. I brought up you going to X because I love you, not as a way to get rid of you. It isn't about divorce, it's about making our relationship better, you getting the care you need, and me focusing on my work. It's because I love you that I talk about these things. You don't have to earn my love or prove anything to me. Whatever you do doesn't change my mind that it is the right thing to happen."

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