Wednesday, February 18, 2009

It is what it is

I keep having regrets, deep regrets about how things were and how things are. And I wonder what would have happened if I made other decisions instead of the ones I made. And, yes, I blame myself sometimes for the choices I made.

"If only I had done this or that…." "If only it were different…" "If only, if only."

Well, it's not if only. It is what it is.

And instead of just looking at things as "these are the facts and circumstances of where I'm at," I keep looking back over my shoulder wishing it was something else, that I had done something else, and that I'm somehow able to do something to change it. And I beat myself up about the regret I feel because somehow I think that I could affect the outcome. But I can't.

All of this is my struggle for acceptance of what is. That my partner is dying, slowly, and that I'm very sad and it impacts me profoundly in many ways. And that results in a life that I'm not happy with.

My favorite metaphor that my therapist uses is, "You're in a plane that's going to crash and there's nothing you can do because you're not the pilot. You're not in control, you can't be and you won't be. You have to accept the reality that H is dying, nothing you can do or think will change that in any way, and you're just along for the very scary ride."


Becker said...

For whatever it's worth, I just want you to know that someone out here read your post and is praying that you find strength and courage in these trying times.

Anonymous said...

We evolved to try to control things. Not having control over a situation is the worst feeling. Wishing you both best of luck dealing with all this.

ChickPea said...

Maybe this is part of the bereavement that is happening. Since DJ died in July the "What If I Had"s, the "Why Didn't I"s and the "If Only"s have been frequent - and sometimes constant - intrusions to my existence. As you say, ASM, this is where it is at. You are doing your best in the situations which arise. I know that. You know that... (when you trust yourself enough to believe it - and yes - you would do more positive things were you not so tired, exhausted and utterly drained of the energy that such care needs.......)
Lots of us still here with you.
Loads of love, pal...... x