I wrote this post awhile ago and I think that this is a good time to publish it.
I've been reading a book, "The Places that Scare You," by Pema Chodron.
While there is a lot of good stuff in the book, the key thing I'm learning is to stay with difficult feelings and not cower from them or medicate them away.
Chodron says that difficult feelings in response to an event are based on a judgement that something will likely be bad.
The reality is that we just don't know how things will work out.
The tricky bit is to have an open heart and mind and not assume that something will be good or bad. Just wait..."stay"...and see what happens.
In the book, Chodron tells the story of a small village and that an only child, a son, of some farmers was thrown from a horse and was injured. He was so injured that he would never be able to work on the farm to support his aging parents in the way that he had in the past.
Shortly thereafter, a call went out to all the men in the village to go fight a battle. Because the son was so injured, he couldn't go to fight.
As it turns out, all of those called to war were killed and the injured son, while not able to works as hard as he once could, was at least able to be there for his aging parents and care for them. They were grateful that he was still alive and he was grateful that he could help his parents.
You never know how something will work out.
I struggle to stay without judgement and see what happens in my situation with H.
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday snippets
More of the same
I haven't posted much as life grinds on with no real news…just more of the same with me struggling to cope and H struggling to do just about anything. Really, I'm struggling to accept and my not accepting reality is why I struggle.
That must be frustrating
I've told H on many occasions when he's expressing his dismay at all he no longer can do, "That must be frustrating, honey." "Yea, it really is." What I don't say is that it is equally as frustrating for me (especially when I hear the same story over and over) and that makes me frustrated (but there's nothing he can do).
Better living through chemicals
Effexor is a wonderful anti-depressant in so many ways. I'm not longer in my deep, dark hole and for that I am glad; in fact, my mood is pretty darned good these days. But, the side effects are troublesome, from the slight agitation feeling, to the hot flashes, to the libido up, but performance down.
Nodding and muttering
I keep finding H sitting at his computer nodding and muttering. He tells me that he's daydreaming. This usually also happens when he's sitting at the dinner table, fork shaking in his hand while he's staring down the dinner plate.
Using the oven timer
Yesterday, H put some cinnamon rolls in the oven while I was doing laundry. He came to me and said he couldn't figure out the timer (on our oven that we've had for 20 years). When I went to check on the oven, he had set it to self-clean and then to a timed bake for 90 minutes at 400. I tried to explain what he had done, but finally settled for "only use the left button" for the timer.
Wish I could remember
H continually reminds me of things that need doing. Problem is that he doesn't remember that he's already talked with me several times about the chore and we've reach agreement on what needs to happen. Chances are, the task is already done. Challenge for me is to reply as tho' we never had a conversation about the topic…that's how H sees it after all.
Favorite quote of the day
"If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is," Steve Pavalina here.
I haven't posted much as life grinds on with no real news…just more of the same with me struggling to cope and H struggling to do just about anything. Really, I'm struggling to accept and my not accepting reality is why I struggle.
That must be frustrating
I've told H on many occasions when he's expressing his dismay at all he no longer can do, "That must be frustrating, honey." "Yea, it really is." What I don't say is that it is equally as frustrating for me (especially when I hear the same story over and over) and that makes me frustrated (but there's nothing he can do).
Better living through chemicals
Effexor is a wonderful anti-depressant in so many ways. I'm not longer in my deep, dark hole and for that I am glad; in fact, my mood is pretty darned good these days. But, the side effects are troublesome, from the slight agitation feeling, to the hot flashes, to the libido up, but performance down.
Nodding and muttering
I keep finding H sitting at his computer nodding and muttering. He tells me that he's daydreaming. This usually also happens when he's sitting at the dinner table, fork shaking in his hand while he's staring down the dinner plate.
Using the oven timer
Yesterday, H put some cinnamon rolls in the oven while I was doing laundry. He came to me and said he couldn't figure out the timer (on our oven that we've had for 20 years). When I went to check on the oven, he had set it to self-clean and then to a timed bake for 90 minutes at 400. I tried to explain what he had done, but finally settled for "only use the left button" for the timer.
Wish I could remember
H continually reminds me of things that need doing. Problem is that he doesn't remember that he's already talked with me several times about the chore and we've reach agreement on what needs to happen. Chances are, the task is already done. Challenge for me is to reply as tho' we never had a conversation about the topic…that's how H sees it after all.
Favorite quote of the day
"If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is," Steve Pavalina here.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The never ending list
Since I don't see H much - what with me working and him sleeping so much - whenever I do see him, he rattles off a list of what "needs to be done" and "we need to buy."
Now, I've written before about this, but H's requests for the list are doing nothing but escalating. And in the past I'd get all agitated about this (the "I have to do everything" martyr song), but now I'm less upset about the never-ending list.
Many of the things he asks for - cleaning the gutters, ordering pet food, new eyeglasses - are all fair game, but some are just bizarre.
My favorite is the pressing need to tear out a Laurel hedge in the back yard and replace it with a small building…a studio with power and water that we could rent out. The other fun one is that the 42" plasma TV that we have had for less than a year isn't "big enough," so we need to buy a 54" one. So not going to happen.
The other day, he was pressing on getting something done (I can't even remember what it was now) and I did get upset.
"Why are you so pissed off?" H asks me.
"Well, I can't keep up anymore with just what I need to do and you sleep all the time and then get up and tell me everything else you want me to do. And over time, you're able to do less and less, so you just assume that I'll pick everything up that you can't or don't want to do," I said. (AKA "the martyr song.")
"Oh, I don't understand, but I'm sorry." H said.
I thought about telling him that nothing happens in the house or our lives unless I do it, but it didn't seem worth it. So, I just dropped it as I often do. The trap is that I keep thinking that he can understand and empathize with my experience (he used to be able to), but of course he can't anymore.
The challenge is to take what I think needs to be done and talk him down from the others where I can. And since he often can't remember what he asks for, sometimes I just agree and then change the subject.
Now, I've written before about this, but H's requests for the list are doing nothing but escalating. And in the past I'd get all agitated about this (the "I have to do everything" martyr song), but now I'm less upset about the never-ending list.
Many of the things he asks for - cleaning the gutters, ordering pet food, new eyeglasses - are all fair game, but some are just bizarre.
My favorite is the pressing need to tear out a Laurel hedge in the back yard and replace it with a small building…a studio with power and water that we could rent out. The other fun one is that the 42" plasma TV that we have had for less than a year isn't "big enough," so we need to buy a 54" one. So not going to happen.
The other day, he was pressing on getting something done (I can't even remember what it was now) and I did get upset.
"Why are you so pissed off?" H asks me.
"Well, I can't keep up anymore with just what I need to do and you sleep all the time and then get up and tell me everything else you want me to do. And over time, you're able to do less and less, so you just assume that I'll pick everything up that you can't or don't want to do," I said. (AKA "the martyr song.")
"Oh, I don't understand, but I'm sorry." H said.
I thought about telling him that nothing happens in the house or our lives unless I do it, but it didn't seem worth it. So, I just dropped it as I often do. The trap is that I keep thinking that he can understand and empathize with my experience (he used to be able to), but of course he can't anymore.
The challenge is to take what I think needs to be done and talk him down from the others where I can. And since he often can't remember what he asks for, sometimes I just agree and then change the subject.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
How to wash
Since i've been so busy recently at work and H is on a break from his anti-viral meds that make him feel so ill, he's been trying to help more around the house.
I really appreciate all the help I can get and give him losts of positive reinforcement for any help at all, even unloading the dishwasher and bringing up the empty garbage cans from the street.
Last night when I came home from work and the gym, he was starting to do laundry. He asked me how I do it.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"How do you use the dial? Don't you start at the top?"
Our washer has 3 cycles (heavy, light, and delicate) on a big dial. I showed him each of the cycles and told him what each was for.
I told him about the dial for about 5 minutes trying this tack and that. You "don't always have to start at the top of the dial," but that you pick the cycle based on the clothes and how dirty they are. And sometimes, where you start is not at the top of the dial. It just depends....
He was very puzzled and more than a bit agitated at this point. Clearly, he was frustrated.
I finally said, "For most things you can just start at the top of the dial."
"Oh, OK, now I get it," he says smiling. "I've already washed one load, you know."
This is a man with two college degrees and was once one of the smartest people I know. Now, laundry seems daunting.
He has noticed that he hasn't rebounded (energy and thinking) like he has in the past when he took an anti-viral med holiday. I agree with his self-assessment. He asked me this morning if I was worried about this.
"No honey, I'm not. Give yourself some time off the meds. You know that you have good days and not so good days. You'll be just fine."
"Good, I'm glad to hear that," he says smiling.
But I know he won't. And I'm scared and sad about it.
I really appreciate all the help I can get and give him losts of positive reinforcement for any help at all, even unloading the dishwasher and bringing up the empty garbage cans from the street.
Last night when I came home from work and the gym, he was starting to do laundry. He asked me how I do it.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"How do you use the dial? Don't you start at the top?"
Our washer has 3 cycles (heavy, light, and delicate) on a big dial. I showed him each of the cycles and told him what each was for.
I told him about the dial for about 5 minutes trying this tack and that. You "don't always have to start at the top of the dial," but that you pick the cycle based on the clothes and how dirty they are. And sometimes, where you start is not at the top of the dial. It just depends....
He was very puzzled and more than a bit agitated at this point. Clearly, he was frustrated.
I finally said, "For most things you can just start at the top of the dial."
"Oh, OK, now I get it," he says smiling. "I've already washed one load, you know."
This is a man with two college degrees and was once one of the smartest people I know. Now, laundry seems daunting.
He has noticed that he hasn't rebounded (energy and thinking) like he has in the past when he took an anti-viral med holiday. I agree with his self-assessment. He asked me this morning if I was worried about this.
"No honey, I'm not. Give yourself some time off the meds. You know that you have good days and not so good days. You'll be just fine."
"Good, I'm glad to hear that," he says smiling.
But I know he won't. And I'm scared and sad about it.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Weekdays of clarity
I haven't had a drink since last weekend and I'm amazed at how clear I'm thinking; people ahead of me in the treatment program say that thinking continues to improve for a long time.
Work is easier, my quick wit (we can debate how funny it is) is returning, and I'm realizing just how much I love H in spite of it all. And a little support from H and our family goes a long way in helping me feel better too.
I also realize just how impaired H is - not just in the "big" things, like not being able to cook a meal - but in small things, like tracking a simple conversation, mumbling half the words in a sentence, or struggling to wash a pan because "no matter how much I wash it, it just feels oily." (It wasn't.)
Weekday schedule now is work 8 - 5 & intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy) 6 - 9:30. Throw in physical therapy and psychotherapy once a week each and 2 AA meetings a week and I'm max'd out. Too much therapy if you ask me…. And just for fun, I'm getting a cold too.
Happily, sister and nieces are cooking for H and he likes seeing them and they love to spend time with him. And a nurse is now coming in to manage meds for H.
Nice to have some relief so that I can take care of myself.
But best of all is that my anger towards H is diminishing in a big way and I'm able to be more patient and kind. I simply don’t have the hostility towards him that I've felt in the past…even when I'm exhausted and he's being, well, his impaired self.
And for all of this I am very, very grateful.
Work is easier, my quick wit (we can debate how funny it is) is returning, and I'm realizing just how much I love H in spite of it all. And a little support from H and our family goes a long way in helping me feel better too.
I also realize just how impaired H is - not just in the "big" things, like not being able to cook a meal - but in small things, like tracking a simple conversation, mumbling half the words in a sentence, or struggling to wash a pan because "no matter how much I wash it, it just feels oily." (It wasn't.)
Weekday schedule now is work 8 - 5 & intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy) 6 - 9:30. Throw in physical therapy and psychotherapy once a week each and 2 AA meetings a week and I'm max'd out. Too much therapy if you ask me…. And just for fun, I'm getting a cold too.
Happily, sister and nieces are cooking for H and he likes seeing them and they love to spend time with him. And a nurse is now coming in to manage meds for H.
Nice to have some relief so that I can take care of myself.
But best of all is that my anger towards H is diminishing in a big way and I'm able to be more patient and kind. I simply don’t have the hostility towards him that I've felt in the past…even when I'm exhausted and he's being, well, his impaired self.
And for all of this I am very, very grateful.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Gifts and gratitude
I was talking with a friend of ours who has known H longer than I have. I surprised myself when I told her about the gifts that I am receiving as a result of H's illness and my time caring for him. I've certainly shared my grousing in this blog and so it makes sense that I'd share my gifts and gratitude as well.
Let's start with compassion. Before I met H (and even for awhile afterwards), I wasn't the most compassionate man. I wasn't mean or selfish, per se, but I was definitely not patient and compassionate when considering others' experience. Now, while I do get impatient with my situation with H, I find myself being way more sympathetic and patient with H and other people overall. Not just the disadvantaged or ill, but with everyone. In many ways, this experience has taught me to love in a way that I didn't expect: unconditionally.
Respect for mortality. Before H got sick I hadn't had much experience with people that I love getting ill, but in the past 10 years or so, I have seen what it means to be in poor health. As a result, I convinced myself to stop smoking some years ago. And most importantly, I feel deep gratitude for my good health pretty much every day and I try to do the right thing. And I realize just how precious good health is.
Slowing down. In my work, we are racing constantly…racing with the market, with other groups in the company, with our peers; fast paced doesn't cover it. But when you need to patiently explain the same thing over and over again, it helps to have patience…to gear yourself to the other's pace. While I can't claim that I've nailed this one yet, it does me no good to be impatient with H and I'm finding that it just makes life more stressful to be impatient all of the time.
Forgiveness. Can't say that I've got this one nailed down either. But I can say that I at least understand how important it is: not forgiving others just gets in the way of me loving them. And not forgiving myself just keeps me stuck in regret and pain.
Would I want to repeat this experience? No! Please, no!
But what is it worth to learn how to love unconditionally, to respect our health and bodies, to slow down, to forgive, and to be grateful?
Let's start with compassion. Before I met H (and even for awhile afterwards), I wasn't the most compassionate man. I wasn't mean or selfish, per se, but I was definitely not patient and compassionate when considering others' experience. Now, while I do get impatient with my situation with H, I find myself being way more sympathetic and patient with H and other people overall. Not just the disadvantaged or ill, but with everyone. In many ways, this experience has taught me to love in a way that I didn't expect: unconditionally.
Respect for mortality. Before H got sick I hadn't had much experience with people that I love getting ill, but in the past 10 years or so, I have seen what it means to be in poor health. As a result, I convinced myself to stop smoking some years ago. And most importantly, I feel deep gratitude for my good health pretty much every day and I try to do the right thing. And I realize just how precious good health is.
Slowing down. In my work, we are racing constantly…racing with the market, with other groups in the company, with our peers; fast paced doesn't cover it. But when you need to patiently explain the same thing over and over again, it helps to have patience…to gear yourself to the other's pace. While I can't claim that I've nailed this one yet, it does me no good to be impatient with H and I'm finding that it just makes life more stressful to be impatient all of the time.
Forgiveness. Can't say that I've got this one nailed down either. But I can say that I at least understand how important it is: not forgiving others just gets in the way of me loving them. And not forgiving myself just keeps me stuck in regret and pain.
Would I want to repeat this experience? No! Please, no!
But what is it worth to learn how to love unconditionally, to respect our health and bodies, to slow down, to forgive, and to be grateful?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
You are not the center of me
As I've written before , I've struggled with how H's health issues (and the impact to me) have become at times the center of my life. It's all about H and his health and his issues and what he needs and that he's leaving me bit by bit.
And I have fought this centralization (sic), knowing that I can't allow myself to be swallowed up, but usually I got lost in the maelstrom of it. Of course, how could it not impact me?
What I haven't been able to do is to just accept: I am caring for a sick loved one and this is what it is. He isn't any more than he is, which is less than I need. He can't be. He won't ever be again.
And also accept: I don't have the heart to send him away…I couldn't do it when he was so direly ill, so I just have to release that possibility as long as he is weller (sic).
And, most importantly, if I accept it for what it is and don't fight it and rail against it, then maybe I can focus on what I need (which is a lot, admittedly). If I can just get to the point of acceptance that he is what he is and that won't change and that he will continue to be home for now, then (my hope is that) I can be more rational about how I approach my life and what I need.
They say acceptance is the final stage of grief…my hope is that I'm nearing the end of (at least) this part of the road.
And I have fought this centralization (sic), knowing that I can't allow myself to be swallowed up, but usually I got lost in the maelstrom of it. Of course, how could it not impact me?
What I haven't been able to do is to just accept: I am caring for a sick loved one and this is what it is. He isn't any more than he is, which is less than I need. He can't be. He won't ever be again.
And also accept: I don't have the heart to send him away…I couldn't do it when he was so direly ill, so I just have to release that possibility as long as he is weller (sic).
And, most importantly, if I accept it for what it is and don't fight it and rail against it, then maybe I can focus on what I need (which is a lot, admittedly). If I can just get to the point of acceptance that he is what he is and that won't change and that he will continue to be home for now, then (my hope is that) I can be more rational about how I approach my life and what I need.
They say acceptance is the final stage of grief…my hope is that I'm nearing the end of (at least) this part of the road.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
For almost half the time...
On Thursday, H & I celebrate our 25th anniversary. Wow. Even I say wow...and I was here the whole time.
While we will celebrate in some fashion...I don't feel celebratory, just tired...we still haven't settled on what we will do.
Of those 25 years, H has been sick to very sick - and officially disabled - since 1996...for almost half the time. And I have carried him all this time.
Usually, I'm just a fountain of words here, but today I have nothing left to say.
While we will celebrate in some fashion...I don't feel celebratory, just tired...we still haven't settled on what we will do.
Of those 25 years, H has been sick to very sick - and officially disabled - since 1996...for almost half the time. And I have carried him all this time.
Usually, I'm just a fountain of words here, but today I have nothing left to say.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Horoscope
I believe at least some in astrology, especially when I see a horoscope like this today:
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
"You may think that your opportunity has passed, but this is just a trick that the cosmos is playing on you now. You have entered into a time warp, so don't think that your chance is over. Let your frustrations dissipate, for you'll have another shot at what you want in the months ahead. "
I feel so much better now.
Happy new year!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
"You may think that your opportunity has passed, but this is just a trick that the cosmos is playing on you now. You have entered into a time warp, so don't think that your chance is over. Let your frustrations dissipate, for you'll have another shot at what you want in the months ahead. "
I feel so much better now.
Happy new year!
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