Nearly undectable

Unexpected recent news. H's viral load is way, way down...the lowest that it's been in many, many years. And his virus is resistent to all the meds, so it shouldn't be happening, but it is and we'll take it. He has energy again.

What a ride this is: white knuckling it in the front seat of the roller coaster.

Getting closer

Today we had friends over for dinner; they bring the pizza and conversation and I help with their taxes. Fair trade. One person, K, said that when she arrived that H was confused about putting clean dishes away..."a big deal project" for H, she said, "he got overwhelmed"...and that he kept forgetting what part of the floor he had last swept.

I said that I think I'll have to put H in a nursing home in 6 - 12 months and she says..."no, on the short side of that...I'd be surprised if he makes it to 6 months given what I saw today."

Later, I was talking with H about my conversation with my boss about my work. While I'm not in trouble or anything like that (I don't think), I am very behind in my work and have missed 6 weeks in the last 6 months due to H's health. H was very surprised and felt very bad that it's so hard for me to work...I told him that I can't concentrate and am upset all of the time. He says, well I'm home now, so you can stop worrying.

Not true. I explained how everytime that he went into the hospital, it affects me for awhile afterwards, not to mention the cummulative affect of 3 hospitalizations in 6 months (and 10+ years now of AIDs-realted health issues). I'm depressed, worried, scared, anxious, generally whacked out, overwhelmed, plain and simple and it's hard for me to work. Now I'm worried about work...I have to dig out right now....review time is coming up...and I worry that I don't have it in me, that I am so worn down. (I will find a way, if there is one.)

He said he felt really, really bad and went to take a nap.

I started thinking that maybe it's just me that is in denial about this. That it is my fear, my lack of objectivity that is making this worse for both of us. A friend of ours, C, tells me that what is best for H may not be what either H or I want. She backs me too in putting H in a nursing home and she has known H for 25 years and me for nearly as long. His family backs this too and all of our friends, save for the very, very few that don't want to get caught in any crossfire. Doctors are all onboard as well.

It isn't his death that I'm afraid of; it's what happens between now and then that worries me. We talked about that the other night...the same conversation where I told him that he doesn't have to stay solely on my account. And, that I have a plan, such as it is. He seemed very pleased on both accounts.

How gut wrenching is that? Saying your piece is the right thing, but man these are hard topics.

What I haven't done is talked with H about the distinct possibility, likelihood really, that he will need to go to a nursing facility soon. Probably sooner than either of us like. This is probably the best thing for H. Unfortunately, except for visiting, he won't be coming home most likely.

Time to take the tranqs, get a good night's sleep, and hit the job running tomorrow morning.

Now, I would ask that you pray for both H and me: strength for me and peace for him.

Anniversary

Today is our 23-year anniversary and I am not in a celebrating mood.

Sunday before last, H went into the hospital again with seizures. He came home only a few days ago. Each time he goes into the hospital for seizures, it takes a lot out of him. And me.

He get's less and less functional and cogent and I get more and more tired. Sadly, his care needs are increasing when I'm beginning to stumble from being so tired all the time.

And work? It is a joke that I'm even coming to the office now and then. No work gets done...I'm too upset.

Just how much longer can this go on?

A model to be forgotten

Last night, I got another reminder.

Was helping H put together an Excel spreadsheet model. He has a pretty good idea of what he wanted, but couldn't figure out how to add formulas. Odd, since he was the Excel whiz for many years, creating inventory & cash flow models for our businesses, creating monthly budgeting worksheets and so forth.

Last night, I had to show him how to select a cell, copy it, and then paste it no less than 4 times over the course of 10 minutes. He kept forgetting which cells were which and where to paste the copied ones.

This is scary.

Lining up

So, H and I have been talking about the following:

• That he's ready for the next plane (he brought up unsolicited)
• That he's had a good life and he's glad for that (he brought up unsolicited)
• He's at peace with the possibility of dying
• I am at peace with the possiblity of him dying
• That he doesn't think he'll be here in a few years to enjoy the new garden grown out (his intuition tells him)
• That I don't think he'll be here in a few years too (my intuition tells me)

Sheesh, something is coming....

67 things about me

1. My favorite color is blue
2. I like fast cars and have owned a few
3. I like men who are hot, smart, and most importantly, sweet
4. My garden is my sanctuary
5. Computers (either at home or at work) eat much of my time
6. I have more regrets than dreams
7. I lead with my heart, not my mind
8. I am prone to depression
9. I am an only child
10. I am afraid of what aging will bring
11. I work out very vigorously at the gym (see above)
12. I like working out
13. My favorite foods are: chocolate ice cream, french fries, potato chips, and beer (not in that order) (see above)
14. I love my cats
15. Right now, I have no sex life to speak of, although I often have opportunities, and it usually doesn't bother me
16. I love my partner, even tho' he doesn't meet my needs anymore
17. I am trying to figure out how to live while I wait for my partner to die
18. My work seems glamorous & exciting to others, but it is pretty dull to me
19. My hair doesn't get long, it gets big
20. I have a hairy chest, tummy, legs, and ass...sometimes I trims, sometimes I don't
21. I like Pink Floyd (a lot)
22. I laugh at giant pick up trucks & SUVs, esp those with lift kits (sorry 'bout yer dick!)
23. I'm afraid of dying alone
24. I'm afraid of getting seriously ill
25. I really enjoy public speaking and have done it professionally
26. I'm very shy and nervous in small social groups
27. I would like to experiment with a love relationship with a gay couple (I think)
28. I fantasize about life without a sick partner
29. I fantasize about living alone
30. I love computer games, especially The Elder Scrolls series
31. I love plants of all types and have very little space left for new ones in the house or the garden
32. I'm told that I look younger than I am (thanks mom 'n' dad!)
33. My favorite movie is a tie between the Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Shining, and Fantastic Planet
34. My favorite TV show is a tie between Six Feet Under, South Park, and Transgeneration
35. I'm a geek at heart
36. I don't care much about the latest fashions, tho' I do like nice clothes
37. I don't care at all about celebrity gossip, reality shows, or who's who
38. I would like to try living in Ireland, Scotland, or London
39. I have no time for bitchy, judgemental, or mean people...so there!
40. I have lived in Hawaii and decided it was not for me
41. I love fish and have had aquariums for years, tho' I don't currently have one
42. I love the feeling of comfortableness (sic) when talking with old friends
43. I really enjoy good coffee
44. I rarely enjoy anonymous sex and I say "no" way more than I say "yes"
45. The way into my pants is through my heart & mind (and having a great body doesn't hurt, either)
46. I don't kiss and tell
47. I am versatile, but prefer to top
48. I have lived in the same house for the past 20+ years
49. I have very strong intuition and it is more often than not right
50. I need to listen to my intuition more
51. I'm a Cancer with Pisces rising and many planets in Leo
52. I'm pee shy more often than not
53. I don't consider myself attractive
54. I am not impressed by how much money someone has, where they live, or what they own
55. I have a tighty-whitey fetish
56. I like men and art that make me think
57. I like to travel
58. I want to make a contribution to the world that matters
59. I'm an INFJ
60. It breaks my heart to see my partner so sick and losing his mind
61. My mantra for many years (with thanks to Nietzsche): "What does not destroy me utterly makes me stronger"
62. I've liked boys/men for as long as I can remember
63. I got in trouble for playing with the neighbor boys' junk
64. I came out at college when I was 20
65. I am a butt man
66. For the first time in my life, I'm actually gaining muscle mass from working out...mostly because I've been eating more (see below)
67. I no longer have a six pack

I'm so tired (& puffy)...

Yesterday, H and I are sitting in the office, him at his desk, me at mine. He starts moaning about his foot pain (neuropathy) and runs to get meds.

He sits back down and says, "I'm so tired of this (a single man's name).... I don't want to do this anymore...these pills, always chasing the pain." I say, "I understand. It's OK. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to either...so many years. It's OK; I understand." He smiles with a bit of tears in his eyes. I want him to know that it's OK to go, that I'll be OK, that I have a plan...even tho' I'd miss (what's left of) him and the companionship at home.

He knows he's slipping again (he's been getting more confused and forgetful again) and his pain is very bad. I know that sometimes he wants to go...he is tired & depressed...he has been so sick for a very long time now.

I've heard that it helps sometimes to tell someone who is very ill that it's OK for them to go. And it really is OK with me...although a bit frightening at times. I have to say that he's receding again and has been for a long time...I live mostly with memories, many of them wonderful, now anyway as he's not here much. In many ways, I've already buried him...I'm just waiting for the formality.

They have him on some new meds...they make his feet, legs, belly, & face swell. A known side effect, but being the good fag that H is, he doesn't like it and wants to stop taking these meds.

H spent Friday night with a friend/fb of his. He said he couldn't get hard, coudn't come. No real reason to try anymore, he says.

My poor guy is so depressed. Who could blame him? Here he is a young(ish) man and it's all been taking away: health, career, friends, incredible mind (and ass!), big dick, etc. He's got the body of an old man now. We'll talk with his Dr. about either more or a different anti-depressant. In the past, changing anti-depressants hasn't really helped him much.

It's a strange thing for me: I don't feel all wacked out, tho' a little anxious. I think that I've made peace with what is likely going to happen. I can't do anything about it.... And, I do want it to happen sooner rather than later as much for his sake as for mine.

The next plane

It's been pretty quiet & tense...distant...at our house recently. I have been sorta in a funk and burned out. H is scared as his VL is going up again. Dr. says not to worry, but H is also getting more forgetful and confused again....

So we were talking and he talks about how he's OK with dying, moving onto "the next plane of existence." He said, "I've had a good life, went to college, had some businesses...done things that I've wanted to do. Never got to Europe tho'. It's OK, I'm not afraid. I'm ready to accept what comes." There's a part of me that says I should just take leave from work and take him on a trip or two while he still can go; I don't think he can go, really.

I know that he is afraid, but I also know that he knows that it's time to move on. He's been in denial that he is really that sick for a long, long time now...a dear friend of ours talks about H "sticking his head in the sand." This is the first time where he's looked back at his life and talked about how it's been good. I'm glad that he's coming out of denial, but I'm a little nervous about what's coming next. And, mostly, I'm glad that he thinks of his life as having been good. I am worried about having regrets on my deathbed and I need to address that.

This morning while out in the garden, I had a rush of excitement and fear when I looked at the sun rise. The thought was: "someday soon I'll be out here and he won't be inside anymore when I go back into the house. It's my life now and I've got to figure it all out...without him." There is a sense of anticipation and my gut tells me that it's coming...soon...this year. I have to say that I'm feeling lighter than I have in many, many months, in spite of knowing that something will happen soon enough.

So both of us can feel something coming...he's trying to make peace where he can, wrap up things in some ways, and has a sense of urgency about living his life. I'm just waiting, knowing that soon enough I'll be on my own and I am both thrilled and terrified. At least I'll be alive. And the reality is that H isn't contributing much at all these days, in any respect. He's not wholly there...so what will be missing when he dies? Whatever is left of him now and I'll be missing his company.... But, I'll feel relief that finally this is all winding down and I can get on.

I can't imagine being in his shoes: so sick for so long, stuck at home since he can't drive anymore, many friends gone, those that are left are wonderful but not around that much, I'm only home a few minutes in the morning and then after work. And, while I do my best to be reasonable, I have to say that I'm less than present most of the time. I would find the isolation oppressive. Hell, I find my own isolation oppressive. I need to have some guilt-free fun.

Just how done is "done?"

I went to a caregiver training class awhile ago...a class on caregiver burnout. Sorely needed, I might add.

Striking that when I went through a "Are you a burned out caregiver?" quiz, I scored very high...severe burnout, which basically means that you shouldn't be a caregiver anymore as the burnout affects your ability to provide care.

What do you do when you're "done," but you have to go on?

More doctor appointments this week and I find myself struggling to even pay attention at them. I know that they're important...I know that he needs the care and no one has the overview of what's going on with all the Drs and the details of what's happening at home. But geez...I am so sick of all this.

How am I burned out? Let me count the ways from the quiz:

always exhausted (yup)
feelings of hopelessness (sometimes)
overwhelmed (yup)
emotionally numb or emotionally explosive (alternating between the two)
unable to focus or concentrate (yup)
feel inadequate to the task (yup)
the need for an increased use of alcohol or stimulants (yup...former)

The teacher, class, and materials say, "Take care of yourself." Sure. I understand that. Get rest, recreation, exercise, eat well, etc. I try to do those things. But NOTHING changes the reality of what's happening to either H or me.

He's dying and I can't be there for him in the way I'd like. I want to help him, and I'll soldier on as best I can, but it's bad right now. I won't leave him, but I feel like I'm waiting for him to die, which I am honestly. He knows that too. And he is too.

And it's going to get worse before it gets better.

As the loin stirs

And, after writing the prior entry, I met this very hot guy at the gym...fantasy man...nice guy too. Who knows what might happen?

Having them in front of you "in the flesh" is so much more compelling than having them in front of you on the computer...duh.

On the computer, the brain gets too involved...is he really that hot? is he lying in this pics or profile? how far do I have to drive? does he want to go through with it or is he "shopping?" what if I don't like him? blah, blah, blah.

But meeting someone in person: your gestalt responds to the gestalt of the other. I'm not just looking at a picture or yet another series of IMs on a computer screen. There is a living, breathing (hot) man there, smiling at me. He smells nice (at the gym!), I like his body language and his eyes, his smile, and what I can see of his body, which turns out to be most of it happily.

It's been a long time and the pull is strong.

Needs, what needs?

Earlier in H's illness...when he was too sick...I had boyfriends, for lack of a better term. And it was good. I mean, I persued 'em, had fun with them, had sex with them, and did other stuff too. H didn't know and I have no intention of telling him now, 8 years after the fact.

Now, he's know some of my bfs or fbs since then, but he's always been insanely jealous...even when he was healthy. It's worse now, I think, because he feels so insecure due to his health. At this point, I don't know if I would tell him or not...probably not.

Truth be told, the drive just isn't there right now. Oh sure, I get horny and take matters into my own hands (sic), but it just seems too much work to "find a man," for lack of a better expression. In the past, I met guys online and it worked out fine, believe it or not. Minimal flakes, no liars. Today it doesn't seem that way.

Aside from the logistics, I just don't have the energy to persue someone. Weird. Clearly, this is related to my emotional state. And, I know that it's not just a "get me off need," but a need to engage with someone...to be with someone who doesn't look sick....

Geez. H can't meet my needs and I no longer have the energy to pursue 'em. In a word: f*!@$ed (or rather not f*!@$ed).

Just when you think you can have hope

I've been plugging along now for a few weeks and feeling pretty optimistic. H's last viral load test was down, he's had more energy, he's eating, his night sweats stopped, and he's thinking more clearly. T-cells are 450+; VL 39K. He's looking more like his old self.

Now, his viral load is up, he's sleeping more, he's sweating again at night, and he's getting more forgetful and confused by the day. T-cells are still strong tho'; VL 73K.

VL almost doubling in a month is not good, especially since he's on one of the last meds that might work for him. We see his doctor next week. 100K VL is the threshold...if we can keep the VL below that, then the PML won't progress (as quickly).

What's striking now is how quickly he is getting more forgetful & confused. I had to explain our cell phone plan to him (granted, they can be confusing), but he couldn't track. 4 times. I've explained this to him before, but he forgot. So, I just simplified it for him. Here, use this phone....
We've had a friend, S2, stay with us the last week. He notices the confusion as well. He notices the decline since last year.

It's the PML. Stats are bleak: 90% of the folks who get it die within a year of diagnosis; a few have a complete remission, some stay where they are. Even with HIV meds that work to control the virus, which doesn't appear to be happening right now, average life expectancy is 2 years from PML diagnosis.

The short story is that it will likely get worse...it is just a question of how quickly. Last time we saw his Dr. (a few weeks ago), Dr. was very surprised that H is doing so well. We see Dr. again next Monday. It's horrible to see him improve physically, but to experience him losing his mind.

I've written about friends disappearing and offered some thoughts about what sick people need from their loved ones. Joe has captured that so well; I just fell apart when I read this post ("I Will Hold You Ten Times" is the name of the post. 1/30/06).

God, I am so tired and so afraid.

Making the best lemonade

After all the turmoil, life is settling down again. New meds have brought H's viral load down (tho' he is not undetectable and likely won't be) and he's doing better. So, I can back off of the worrying about the nursing home, at least for now.

What is very strage is that he has lots of energy and is doing projects here and there around the house, but his cognitive function doesn't seem to be improving as fast. (Geez, "cognitive function"...you think I had bee around a bunch of doctors or something.)

All of this does nothing towards getting my needs met. I've come to the conclusion that he just can't do that.

So...you make lemonade. Problem is, I never liked lemonade.

All roads lead to the same place

A long-time friend of ours, S, came over to visit with H a few days ago. H knew S in college and is one of the true blue friends that have stuck with us. I wasn't around when H & S visited, so I called up S to get his perspective on their visit. He talked about H spacing out when they talked...almost going to sleep...and H's denial about how sick he really is.

I asked S to validate or refute my reality: that I see H slipping away and that H knows that he is slipping, that he is quite ill...more ill that he'll admit (at least to me), needs more care than I can provide, and that H is hiding his health issues from me. Oh, and that I'm at my limit of caregiving and have been for some time.

He validated my reality. And so has H's family and H's doctor and...and.... How many more have to before I will push the button.

I've tried to pick up the phone and to get H on a waiting list at a local nursing facility with some specialty in his type of health issues. I just can't pick it up and dial...yet. Bit by bit I get up the courage to do this and I'm almost there.

Several have said that it might be a relief to H as well as to me if he goes to a care facility. H must realize that he is dependent on me and that he is becoming more so each passing week. The tough bit is that we all have to deal with our denial & bargaining for this to happen.

And guilt.

Do the dichotomy, redux

So, I get all geared up and then the self-doubt sets in. The guilt. The, "oh, it's not so bad and I do love him still." Yet, just a few days ago, I'm getting up the courage to call to get him on a waiting list. And I told myself, "I can't take this anymore." Back and forth. Back and forth. Aaagh!

What do healthy partners do?

H has been sick for so long, I've forgotten what it's like to have a healthy partner. What do healthy couples do on the weekends? H gets up at noon, is up for awhile, goes back to bed, maybe eats dinner, is on the computer for a few hours and goes back to bed. His mind is slow and forgetful these days. Part of this is the medications, part of this is his illnesses.

Sometimes I can get him to go somewhere, but that is becoming less and less likely. He gets overwhelmed out in public, usually can't eat a meal at a restaurant, and doesn't have the attention span to sit through a movie or a play.

He sweats all night in bed and it smells like chemicals (although less than awhile ago)...no cuddling in bed for moi. Forget sex. His dick is 1/2 the size it used to be (really) and he often can't get it up, even with a prescription. Besides, his body has changed a lot and it weirds me out. He just doesn't look healthy anymore.

I still love him, tho'.

So, I've learned to entertain myself. And in some ways, I suppose that I like the quiet. In many ways, it's comforting and less stressful that being around him...it's "me time," which there is simply not enough of. Sometimes I wish that he would just stay asleep, but really I just want things to be different.

A friend came by to visit and offered to take H somewhere: shopping, see the Christmas lights, a walk...just get him out of the house. But he didn't want to go. H has often described to me how he feels safe at home and I think that this is becoming more pronounced.

Oh, and for years, I've just filled in the gaps for him; it's sorta like completing your partner's sentences, but you do it in your mind when they can't do something they used to. So, for example, if you say something and you'd expect him to respond a particular way and he doesn't respond that way or doesn't respond at all, you just fill in the blanks because your so used to how he responds. It's hard to explain, but very, very real and the mind is a trickster. As a result, it's easy to lose objectivity and you want them to be better so badly...and so you don't notice how sick they really are.

When "How do you know when?" is now

So, I talked with H's Dr today about H forgetting so much. He didn't realize that this was happening, which is why I called him...he doesn't have the context that I do.

He said that H's body can get better (his viral load is down) while his mental state deteriorates. Sigh. He asked about having someone at home during the day to keep an eye on H...we don't have that. I told him if that is necessary, then H has to go somewhere because I can no longer deal.

I asked him if there were some markers: how do you know when to say, "It's time." "It's entirely up to you," he said, "unless there's a safety issue for H or you" (there isn't). If anything, H is getting more docile as he fades away.

Net: the line is where I draw it, plain & simple. And, at this point, we've crossed over that line. I can't deal anymore...it is costing me too much. Besides, I do think that H really does need more care than I can provide for him even tho' he tries his best to hide his increasing dependence.

Also, I am so whacked out by all of this that I can't be the supportive, loving partner that I know that I can be. I'm just too stressed, distressed, and angry. My hope is that after H is settled in a new place that I will be able to be there for him as I would like to in his last months or however long. I want to be there for him, but the current situation makes that very, very difficult.

Dr. is fine with writing the order so that H can be admitted. I told him that I would keep him posted, but that I didn't want to do anything before the holidays.

So, now I am gearing myself up for the call to the nursing home/hospice to get H on a waiting list. It's so hard to be thinking about doing this, but I knew that it was coming and, realistically, due to either my kindness or fear (both, really), I haven't wanted to do it. I think also that I have been in denial about the necessity for some time now and I've bargained, "Maybe he'll get better." If the Dr is willing to write the order to admit H to a nursing facility/hospice for the second time in 3 months, H is not going to get any better.

I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm where I am in all of this...that I've had enough after 9 years of his illnesses. H's family tells me that I'm "a saint" and that they will support "whatever I decide" and that I am considered the "spouse." I don't feel like a saint right now. I feel like I'm betraying him, sending him to the "end of the line." And I am sending him to the end of the line...well, actually he is likely there already and it's just a question of where he spends his last days. My shrink tells me that all of this is normal...but it doesn't make it hurt any less. This is the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Someone whose husband had HIV dementia and was in decline told me, "Run away while you still can." I didn't understand at the time. Why would I do that? But to suffer through the "long goodbye" for many years now, where a parts of H fade away bit by bit, where not just his body is affected, but his mind is wasting too - his personality, memories, reasoning...all of it is going - and then to finally get so stressed out that I can't have him at home anymore. Ouch.

I must do it 'tho. It is time, my dear.

Where have all the friends gone?

Before H was diagnosed, we had lots of friends...friends accumulated over 10 years before he got sick. His friends, my friends, and our friends. Gay, straight, bi-, trans, and poly...you name it. B-day and anniversary parties would have ~50 people at our home and almost 100 showed up for our wedding, which we did on our 10 year anniversary.

When he was first diagnosed and in the hospital near death at 120 lbs, some wouldn't (should I say couldn't) come visit. Some wouldn't talk to me again after I told them he had AIDs. Some of my friends from college (mind you this is 20 years after college) just said, "I can't handle it. I've seen too many get sick and die" and poof, they were gone from my (our) life forever. I understand that some of them watched their friends/lovers die and can't deal, but it hurts nonetheless.

Ironically, it was the gay friends who disappeared the quickest. Not returing phone calls, not extending invites anymore, not even rsvping to events they had attened each year for 10+ years. So much for supporting your own.

It nets out to losing proably 3/4s or more of our friends since H got sick.

I guess that this "attrition" is not all the unusual when someone is very sick, especially when it's terminal or when the illness affects their mind. A neighbor of ours had lung cancer and her husband tells me that many, many of their friends accumulated over 40 years of marriage just disappeared. Just like happened to H and me.

God knows it IS scary to watch someone get very sick, to know that they will likely die from their illness, to see them change physcially and mentally. But we will all face illness and death, whether our own or someone that we love. I hope that when these former friends are in failing health or someone they love is that their friends stay around.

I think that people don't know what to do or say...don't know whether to talk about the illness explicitly or just chit chat or anywhere in between. I think that people also don't know what to do...perhaps they want to do something, anything to help...and they really can't change what's happening no matter what they do so there is a feeling of powerlessness. And, let's face it, mortality is not pretty, nor fun, nor sexy.

H and our neighbor both said that what we say isn't as important as just being there for the sick person. Just holding their hand or just sitting in the same room, telling them that you love them and talking to them as a friend. Simple. Why is this so hard?

Take me there...where?

After the last trip to the hospital, H is not allowed to drive for awhile (6 months or so...or until Dr says it's OK). So, I play taxi driver as well.

We were going to his new dentist, whose office he has been to once, but I've never been to. He tells me that its "across the street from the YMCA." So we head there and pull into an office park. We look at the directory. No dentists here. Luckily, H has the dentist's business card in his wallet. The address is across town, less than a mile from our house.

We were going to see his pain doctor in a nearby large city (we live in the 'burbs). I had been to that office before, so I headed there. But when we got close, he said, "No, no. It's over there," pointing at the main hospital tower. I said that I didn't think so, that it was West of hear a few blocks, but OK. We go into the medical tower and nope, no Dr. of that name here...no pain clinic either. We ask around and finally find out that, indeed, the office is where I remember. H was very puzzled at first, claiming that he had never been in this building. But we had both been there together at least 3 times in the past few years.

Hard to realize that you can't depend on someone's memory anymore, even for simple things.

Chess as a metaphor

H has been after me to play chess with him. He and I used to play quite a bit in our younger days and we were both pretty good, I think...well, at least good enough so that we each won 1/2 the time or so.

So, we sit down to play chess, at H's request, for the first time in over a decade. I spent a 1/2 hour or so reminding him of the rules, showing him how pieces move, and some suggestions on opening play. I can tell that he has a hard time keeping up.

After a bit, H looked very distressed, began to cry. "What's wrong?" I asked. He has a look of great pain on his face. "I can't figure it out anymore; it's overwhelming. Put it away." I go over and hug him, kiss him on his head, tell him, "I can't remember parts of the rules myself, it's OK." "No, it's not," he says. "Here I am 46 and I can't remember how to play and I can't figure it out now."

And I think to myself, if chess is this hard, this overwhelming for him...how does he experience life then?