I wrote this post awhile ago and I think that this is a good time to publish it.
I've been reading a book, "The Places that Scare You," by Pema Chodron.
While there is a lot of good stuff in the book, the key thing I'm learning is to stay with difficult feelings and not cower from them or medicate them away.
Chodron says that difficult feelings in response to an event are based on a judgement that something will likely be bad.
The reality is that we just don't know how things will work out.
The tricky bit is to have an open heart and mind and not assume that something will be good or bad. Just wait..."stay"...and see what happens.
In the book, Chodron tells the story of a small village and that an only child, a son, of some farmers was thrown from a horse and was injured. He was so injured that he would never be able to work on the farm to support his aging parents in the way that he had in the past.
Shortly thereafter, a call went out to all the men in the village to go fight a battle. Because the son was so injured, he couldn't go to fight.
As it turns out, all of those called to war were killed and the injured son, while not able to works as hard as he once could, was at least able to be there for his aging parents and care for them. They were grateful that he was still alive and he was grateful that he could help his parents.
You never know how something will work out.
I struggle to stay without judgement and see what happens in my situation with H.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
A coupla a snippets
Lost at the mall
I come home from work yesterday and H is not there. One of the cars is gone, so I figure that he's gone to visit a neighbor. I don't like him driving and I discourage it...my therapist tells me that I just need to take the car keys (just like I took the stove knobs).
After awhile, he comes back and tells me that he's been to the mall...his dad gave us some gift cards and H was just looking to spend them.
Later in the evening, he tells me that he couldn't find the car in the mall parking lot after he went shopping. Well, he knew where the car was, he said, but he couldn't remember out how to get to the car on foot. Now, the lot he parked in is where we usually park when we go the mall.
I'm glad that he told me about this incident and I responded with calmness and interest...not anger as I often do.
H has had a recurring dream about going to the mall and then not being able to find the car...the mall is too big to go around and too confusing to go through. So, he can't get home. Usually, he wakes up without being able to find the car.
Odd how reality echoes dreams...
Happily, it ended well and H went to mall security to help them find the car. They did and H drove home.
Anger is easier
I have been struggling with anger towards H for a long time. And the anger motivates me. Unfortunately, anger also is not the way that I'd like to respond to H (or to anyone, really). Instead of using anger to derive my strength, I need to let my love for H drive the right outcome for us.
But it is easier to feel angry than to focus on my love for H and for doing the right thing out of love. With anger, I don't have to feel the sadness, fear, distress...you name it. If I focus instead on the love I have for him, it is very upsetting, as you would expect.
And, if I focus on love, then I can center on what is best for H (and for me) as opposed to "I have to get him out of the house or I will go crazy (which is also true)." At this point, the focus needs to be keeping H safe, regardless of all the other issues.
Taking account
I've begun to write down what is going on with H. For example, leaving the windows open, leaving the burner on, getting lost at the mall. I need to focus on what is actually happening as opposed to what H says about his abilities and what I wish were true.
In many ways, I am grateful that these things are happening now...suddenly and in a cluster.
I need to be objective about what is going on with him. I will need this info as I yes, once again, consider placement for him.
Sad to say that what is happening is, in fact, happening. Been here before with dementia, except these types of things usually happen when his viral load is high. Right now, his viral load is effectively zero.
I come home from work yesterday and H is not there. One of the cars is gone, so I figure that he's gone to visit a neighbor. I don't like him driving and I discourage it...my therapist tells me that I just need to take the car keys (just like I took the stove knobs).
After awhile, he comes back and tells me that he's been to the mall...his dad gave us some gift cards and H was just looking to spend them.
Later in the evening, he tells me that he couldn't find the car in the mall parking lot after he went shopping. Well, he knew where the car was, he said, but he couldn't remember out how to get to the car on foot. Now, the lot he parked in is where we usually park when we go the mall.
I'm glad that he told me about this incident and I responded with calmness and interest...not anger as I often do.
H has had a recurring dream about going to the mall and then not being able to find the car...the mall is too big to go around and too confusing to go through. So, he can't get home. Usually, he wakes up without being able to find the car.
Odd how reality echoes dreams...
Happily, it ended well and H went to mall security to help them find the car. They did and H drove home.
Anger is easier
I have been struggling with anger towards H for a long time. And the anger motivates me. Unfortunately, anger also is not the way that I'd like to respond to H (or to anyone, really). Instead of using anger to derive my strength, I need to let my love for H drive the right outcome for us.
But it is easier to feel angry than to focus on my love for H and for doing the right thing out of love. With anger, I don't have to feel the sadness, fear, distress...you name it. If I focus instead on the love I have for him, it is very upsetting, as you would expect.
And, if I focus on love, then I can center on what is best for H (and for me) as opposed to "I have to get him out of the house or I will go crazy (which is also true)." At this point, the focus needs to be keeping H safe, regardless of all the other issues.
Taking account
I've begun to write down what is going on with H. For example, leaving the windows open, leaving the burner on, getting lost at the mall. I need to focus on what is actually happening as opposed to what H says about his abilities and what I wish were true.
In many ways, I am grateful that these things are happening now...suddenly and in a cluster.
I need to be objective about what is going on with him. I will need this info as I yes, once again, consider placement for him.
Sad to say that what is happening is, in fact, happening. Been here before with dementia, except these types of things usually happen when his viral load is high. Right now, his viral load is effectively zero.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
One of my jobs...
I came home last night and found the gas stove burner on. He managed to cook some eggs (even tho' I had made him some earlier...he "didn't see them"), but forgot to turn off the burner.
I came home the night before and H had left the house, but left many windows open. "Well, at least I turned on the security alarm," he said.
In the past, I've jut gotten mad at him about these types of things, but after he got up from his nap and over dinner, we talked about this. I wasn't mad this time, just weary and concerned.
"One of my jobs is to keep you safe, H," I opened, "and I'm not certain that I can do that. Yesterday, you left the house open and today, you left a burner on."
"What am I going to do if I can't keep you safe at home?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not usually this bad," he says.
"Yea, but you are worried about strangers in the neighborhood and being robbed, but then you leave the house open and you tell all the neighbors that you have AIDS and take pain meds and smoke pot. You told me you wouldn't cook, but then you do...do you know that this is the 3rd time you've left the burner on?"
Now, this is all on top of a simple repair I asked him to be home for last week (unclogging the kitchen drain) that turned into a $600 bill because the tech took advantage of him IMO. I'm disputing the charge with the CC company now.
Sigh.
While this is all somewhat distressing, it is just the most recent examples at how impaired H really is.
If there is good news in this, it is that safety issues can be the precipitating event where I have to place him. The worry is that I don't know how bad this will get when.
In any case, I've hidden the knobs from the gas range and it can't be operated without the knobs. But, this is just a workaround for that one issue.
At least with a kid, you get a sense of what they can and cannot do and you adjust. And you know that over time, they will become more capable, not less. In this case, however, you just don't know what to expect.
I came home the night before and H had left the house, but left many windows open. "Well, at least I turned on the security alarm," he said.
In the past, I've jut gotten mad at him about these types of things, but after he got up from his nap and over dinner, we talked about this. I wasn't mad this time, just weary and concerned.
"One of my jobs is to keep you safe, H," I opened, "and I'm not certain that I can do that. Yesterday, you left the house open and today, you left a burner on."
"What am I going to do if I can't keep you safe at home?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not usually this bad," he says.
"Yea, but you are worried about strangers in the neighborhood and being robbed, but then you leave the house open and you tell all the neighbors that you have AIDS and take pain meds and smoke pot. You told me you wouldn't cook, but then you do...do you know that this is the 3rd time you've left the burner on?"
Now, this is all on top of a simple repair I asked him to be home for last week (unclogging the kitchen drain) that turned into a $600 bill because the tech took advantage of him IMO. I'm disputing the charge with the CC company now.
Sigh.
While this is all somewhat distressing, it is just the most recent examples at how impaired H really is.
If there is good news in this, it is that safety issues can be the precipitating event where I have to place him. The worry is that I don't know how bad this will get when.
In any case, I've hidden the knobs from the gas range and it can't be operated without the knobs. But, this is just a workaround for that one issue.
At least with a kid, you get a sense of what they can and cannot do and you adjust. And you know that over time, they will become more capable, not less. In this case, however, you just don't know what to expect.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Stuck at home
Thank you all for the comments and inquiries.
H is stable right now (which is good), but the quality of his life, well, in a word, sucks. The usual: sick, in pain, tired all the time, forgetful, somewhat paranoid...you know the usual.
I received a summons for jury duty next month. I've done it before and found it interesting and a nice break from the usual grind.
I was talking with H last night about jury duty and he said, "Now, don't forget your responsibility to me."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, if they want to sequester you, you have to tell them that you can't," he said, "because of me"
"Oh, I see," I said. And the following immediately came out of my mouth, " It's really sucks that you can hardly leave the house because of your health and it's hard for me to get out the house for the same reason...few trips, no social events, no entertainment events, and not even jury duty."
"I'm sorry," H said, "that your stuck here with me."
He looked very distressed.
"I know honey; I know that you would change it if you could...but you can't and neither can I. Let's just make the best of it we can."
Acceptance is very, very hard for both of us.
But, right now, I’m just focusing on making myself happy as I can and working on my bucket list. Many of the items on my list either require a functional partner or no partner...those will have to wait.
H is stable right now (which is good), but the quality of his life, well, in a word, sucks. The usual: sick, in pain, tired all the time, forgetful, somewhat paranoid...you know the usual.
I received a summons for jury duty next month. I've done it before and found it interesting and a nice break from the usual grind.
I was talking with H last night about jury duty and he said, "Now, don't forget your responsibility to me."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, if they want to sequester you, you have to tell them that you can't," he said, "because of me"
"Oh, I see," I said. And the following immediately came out of my mouth, " It's really sucks that you can hardly leave the house because of your health and it's hard for me to get out the house for the same reason...few trips, no social events, no entertainment events, and not even jury duty."
"I'm sorry," H said, "that your stuck here with me."
He looked very distressed.
"I know honey; I know that you would change it if you could...but you can't and neither can I. Let's just make the best of it we can."
Acceptance is very, very hard for both of us.
But, right now, I’m just focusing on making myself happy as I can and working on my bucket list. Many of the items on my list either require a functional partner or no partner...those will have to wait.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Tipping point
Over the past month or so, H is back to being in bed much of the time. He has been exhausted and his dementia is worse right now. He's not eating much at all. He's sweating profusely again at night. These are classic signs of a viral load spike.
While his viral load is still pretty low, his T-cell counts have dropped 50% in the past month or so for some reason. Usually, the viral load rising is the leading indicator, followed by T-cell counts declining. But not this time.
This type of thing has happened before: the virus gains resistance to the meds, he gets near the edge (e.g., his dementia gets much worse, he gets very sick), and then a new med is available (just at the last minute). And they pull him back with a new med. Then the virus gains resistance to the new med...rinse and repeat.
But this time, H's virologist doesn't know what to do as H's virus is resistant to all the alternative meds. And there aren't any new ones of the immediate horizon.
H is afraid right now and I'm doing what I can to comfort him...to be kind, loving, & helpful. He is uncharacteristically not in denial about what is happening. I've told him that we've been here before (many times) and that it will work out. But I don't believe it...not this time; maybe, I'm just being hopeful that this is the end.
Over the past month or two, I've been doing research on placing H. I've finally come to the clear conclusion that I just can't do this anymore, can't deal with his dementia, the lack of a partner, the work, the burden, the stress. Been here before too. Maybe placement will be easier than I fear, given what is happening to him right now.
The related cycle is: pull him back from the edge with a new med, then after a year or two, the meds are failing and I'm going crazy as his dementia gets worse and he becomes less functional. Then I move to place him. Then he gets on a new med and gets better. This cycle, too, has happened many, many times.
However this round plays out, what I can say is that I'm optimistic for life after H. I've been fantasizing about it and, while you never really know how it will be, I am more than a little excited at finding out what life can be without this burden.
While his viral load is still pretty low, his T-cell counts have dropped 50% in the past month or so for some reason. Usually, the viral load rising is the leading indicator, followed by T-cell counts declining. But not this time.
This type of thing has happened before: the virus gains resistance to the meds, he gets near the edge (e.g., his dementia gets much worse, he gets very sick), and then a new med is available (just at the last minute). And they pull him back with a new med. Then the virus gains resistance to the new med...rinse and repeat.
But this time, H's virologist doesn't know what to do as H's virus is resistant to all the alternative meds. And there aren't any new ones of the immediate horizon.
H is afraid right now and I'm doing what I can to comfort him...to be kind, loving, & helpful. He is uncharacteristically not in denial about what is happening. I've told him that we've been here before (many times) and that it will work out. But I don't believe it...not this time; maybe, I'm just being hopeful that this is the end.
Over the past month or two, I've been doing research on placing H. I've finally come to the clear conclusion that I just can't do this anymore, can't deal with his dementia, the lack of a partner, the work, the burden, the stress. Been here before too. Maybe placement will be easier than I fear, given what is happening to him right now.
The related cycle is: pull him back from the edge with a new med, then after a year or two, the meds are failing and I'm going crazy as his dementia gets worse and he becomes less functional. Then I move to place him. Then he gets on a new med and gets better. This cycle, too, has happened many, many times.
However this round plays out, what I can say is that I'm optimistic for life after H. I've been fantasizing about it and, while you never really know how it will be, I am more than a little excited at finding out what life can be without this burden.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Today is my birthday (and I'm getting shoes)
H has needed new shoes for some time now: tennis, casual, loafers, you name it. I've been trying to get H to the mall to buy shoes for some time, but he rarely feels well enough to do that. So, last week was H's birthday and I thought that we could get some shoes and go to dinner afterwards.
We walk into a high-end shoe store (famous name starts with N) and I tell the person working there, "We're here to get some shoes for my friend." We talk a bit about what kind of shoes we're looking for and show her some ideas: walking, casual, slip ons...etc. She disappears for awhile.
All the time she is gone, I'm talking with H about this shoe or that shoe, did he like it, does he care about the color, etc.
The clerk comes back and asks how H is doing today. And he says, "Today is my birthday. I'm 53 today." The clerk looks a bit puzzled and asks, "What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?" "Well," H says, "I'm getting some shoes and then we're going to dinner." Now I'm noticing how out of place he seems around adults who have good social skills. (Conversation here about where we are going to dinner.)
While we were sitting at the shoe place, he started complaining about his stomach, so I knew that dinner out was out of the question. So, we ordered in that night.
Later H confessed to me that he probably sounded silly...like someone who is "slow"...and he asked me if I was embarrased...no, not really. I told him that I usually am on a mission and just focus on doing that. "But, no, I'm not embarassed...you do what you do and I'm just trying to get the job done." But, yea, he did sound slow.
Later he told me that maybe he was so odd because I just took over the proceedings and I told him, "Not really. I got it started and tried to involve you in all of the choices, asking your opinion, etc. What you say & how you say it are entirely up to you. Besides, worse has happened, so no, I'm not embarassed."
Tired. Bored. Lonely. Distressed. Burned out. But not embarassed.
We walk into a high-end shoe store (famous name starts with N) and I tell the person working there, "We're here to get some shoes for my friend." We talk a bit about what kind of shoes we're looking for and show her some ideas: walking, casual, slip ons...etc. She disappears for awhile.
All the time she is gone, I'm talking with H about this shoe or that shoe, did he like it, does he care about the color, etc.
The clerk comes back and asks how H is doing today. And he says, "Today is my birthday. I'm 53 today." The clerk looks a bit puzzled and asks, "What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?" "Well," H says, "I'm getting some shoes and then we're going to dinner." Now I'm noticing how out of place he seems around adults who have good social skills. (Conversation here about where we are going to dinner.)
While we were sitting at the shoe place, he started complaining about his stomach, so I knew that dinner out was out of the question. So, we ordered in that night.
Later H confessed to me that he probably sounded silly...like someone who is "slow"...and he asked me if I was embarrased...no, not really. I told him that I usually am on a mission and just focus on doing that. "But, no, I'm not embarassed...you do what you do and I'm just trying to get the job done." But, yea, he did sound slow.
Later he told me that maybe he was so odd because I just took over the proceedings and I told him, "Not really. I got it started and tried to involve you in all of the choices, asking your opinion, etc. What you say & how you say it are entirely up to you. Besides, worse has happened, so no, I'm not embarassed."
Tired. Bored. Lonely. Distressed. Burned out. But not embarassed.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Detox or wires in the spine
Nothing unusual in the 5 months or so since I've posted last. More of the same. What I can say is changed is my attitude and approach. I’m just trying to be kind and helpful to H, focus on my work, and do things that I enjoy. Not much else I can do, aside from get me a boyfriend, which would likely make it easier still for me to care for H.
H continues his slow decline and is getting more and more frail. Frail as in just not able to do much (dishes, clean up after the bird, put clean clothes away) and hardly ever leaving the house except for Dr. appointments, which of course I take him to. Last year, this time, he was getting out of the house for walks a few times a week in the neighborhood, but now, "I just don't feel well enough to do it." He told me the other day that he thinks that his legs are atrophying (they look like it) because he is either in bed or sits at the computer all day.
His dementia is getting worse too, as expected, ever so slowly and insidiously. Now, long term memory is going more and more (short-term was already gone). No news here really and no stories to recount...I think that I'm so used to it by now that I don't think it remarkable…just the way he is. He stares off into space and can hardly get a out sentence at times. Very hard to have a cogent conversation with him much of the time...he keeps reliving traumatic events in his past and can't stay focused on the "right here, right now." How I crave adult conversation that isn't about his health or his trauma.
He desperately wants to see his dad and sister in another state. And I desperately want him to go for any number of reasons. He put it in motion to go, but finally last night he agreed that he can't...he just doesn't have the stamina. And every time he's gone on one of these trips, he comes back and stays in bed for weeks and sometimes has seizure episodes. Of course, he doesn't remember any of this history.
The current scary thing is that he is topping out on how much pain medication they can give him for his neuropathy. His tolerance is high after 15+ years on narcotics and in any case, you only have so many receptors that the opiates can bind to and reduce the pain. So increasing the dose won't work anymore.
Options for the next time he needs to up the dose: 1) go into in-patient detox, get zero'd out on the narcotics, and begin again with no tolerance & 2) have a spinal stimulator (wire in spine with an electrical charge) to block some, but not all, of the pain. Both seem awful. Needless to say, he is beside himself and terrified of either option. It bothers me too...but this is just one more situation that I have to witness in his long journey downhill. I don't feel fear about it, just sadness and resignation...yet another big health issue.
If there is any gift in all this (and there are gifts), it is that these situations are prompting him and me to have honest, intimate conversations about where he is, the impact on both of our lives, and what we need to plan for without his denial being front and center. Now, I remember these conversations well and cherish them as he is rarely present when discussing tough (well any) topics. I hope that he remembers and cherishes these important moments as well.
H continues his slow decline and is getting more and more frail. Frail as in just not able to do much (dishes, clean up after the bird, put clean clothes away) and hardly ever leaving the house except for Dr. appointments, which of course I take him to. Last year, this time, he was getting out of the house for walks a few times a week in the neighborhood, but now, "I just don't feel well enough to do it." He told me the other day that he thinks that his legs are atrophying (they look like it) because he is either in bed or sits at the computer all day.
His dementia is getting worse too, as expected, ever so slowly and insidiously. Now, long term memory is going more and more (short-term was already gone). No news here really and no stories to recount...I think that I'm so used to it by now that I don't think it remarkable…just the way he is. He stares off into space and can hardly get a out sentence at times. Very hard to have a cogent conversation with him much of the time...he keeps reliving traumatic events in his past and can't stay focused on the "right here, right now." How I crave adult conversation that isn't about his health or his trauma.
He desperately wants to see his dad and sister in another state. And I desperately want him to go for any number of reasons. He put it in motion to go, but finally last night he agreed that he can't...he just doesn't have the stamina. And every time he's gone on one of these trips, he comes back and stays in bed for weeks and sometimes has seizure episodes. Of course, he doesn't remember any of this history.
The current scary thing is that he is topping out on how much pain medication they can give him for his neuropathy. His tolerance is high after 15+ years on narcotics and in any case, you only have so many receptors that the opiates can bind to and reduce the pain. So increasing the dose won't work anymore.
Options for the next time he needs to up the dose: 1) go into in-patient detox, get zero'd out on the narcotics, and begin again with no tolerance & 2) have a spinal stimulator (wire in spine with an electrical charge) to block some, but not all, of the pain. Both seem awful. Needless to say, he is beside himself and terrified of either option. It bothers me too...but this is just one more situation that I have to witness in his long journey downhill. I don't feel fear about it, just sadness and resignation...yet another big health issue.
If there is any gift in all this (and there are gifts), it is that these situations are prompting him and me to have honest, intimate conversations about where he is, the impact on both of our lives, and what we need to plan for without his denial being front and center. Now, I remember these conversations well and cherish them as he is rarely present when discussing tough (well any) topics. I hope that he remembers and cherishes these important moments as well.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Dead weight
As always, life grinds on and on...push the rock up, it rolls down, push it up again (rinse and repeat...).
I wonder about finding meaning in life with all this grinding and rolling. I'm not talking about meaning in the abstract sense, but in the concrete sense of "here is why I get up every morning." This is not depression, mind you...just a heart and mind looking for a mission, for peace, for adult company, for satisfaction, for fun, for an adventure worth having.
H continues to be sort of a mess with a few stays at the hospital since I've last written. Pretty routine seizure (they think) activity. He's still declining although it is slow, almost imperceptible...at least until I see him try to have a conversation with someone. More of the same.
Part of the grind is living with someone I don't want to live with anymore. Over time, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like H much as he is now. I would prefer not to be around him, to not have to deal with him, to close that chapter in my life. If I could, I would just "wish him into the corn field." (sic)
I've written here about the delusions and the paranoia. Recently, tho', a heap o' narcissism is cropping up and, after all, it is all about him. It is all about people listening to him (which means they must agree with him and do as he says) and of course, if they're struggling, it is because they didn't listen to him. Nothing worse than someone who knows what's good for someone else and has no hesitation in telling them with conviction.
All of this is to say that I generally feel pretty happy (really), but struggle with putting one foot in front of another (with purpose) as I move through time with H. It's hard for me to imagine that I'd place H because I tire of him, because he pisses me off, because I'm tired, because I don't like him anymore, because he is dead weight.
I wonder about finding meaning in life with all this grinding and rolling. I'm not talking about meaning in the abstract sense, but in the concrete sense of "here is why I get up every morning." This is not depression, mind you...just a heart and mind looking for a mission, for peace, for adult company, for satisfaction, for fun, for an adventure worth having.
H continues to be sort of a mess with a few stays at the hospital since I've last written. Pretty routine seizure (they think) activity. He's still declining although it is slow, almost imperceptible...at least until I see him try to have a conversation with someone. More of the same.
Part of the grind is living with someone I don't want to live with anymore. Over time, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like H much as he is now. I would prefer not to be around him, to not have to deal with him, to close that chapter in my life. If I could, I would just "wish him into the corn field." (sic)
I've written here about the delusions and the paranoia. Recently, tho', a heap o' narcissism is cropping up and, after all, it is all about him. It is all about people listening to him (which means they must agree with him and do as he says) and of course, if they're struggling, it is because they didn't listen to him. Nothing worse than someone who knows what's good for someone else and has no hesitation in telling them with conviction.
All of this is to say that I generally feel pretty happy (really), but struggle with putting one foot in front of another (with purpose) as I move through time with H. It's hard for me to imagine that I'd place H because I tire of him, because he pisses me off, because I'm tired, because I don't like him anymore, because he is dead weight.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
It's been a long time since snippets
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Thursday, May 05, 2011
This 'n' that
While H was up and about much more for awhile, he's now back in bed most of the time. Maybe up for just a few hours a day again. He told me that he just doesn't feel well and is very, very tired. Nice to get the gallbladder out, and that helped him a lot, but at the end of the day, he's still a very sick puppy.
He's got a classic car that he has been lovingly restoring for the past 20 years or so. It is the second love of his life, he tells me. He doesn't feel well enough to even take it out for a spin around the block, not to mention getting it to the shop again for some (more) restoration work.
I've been working to get him to accept that our romantic relationship is over. I told him so in so many words a bit ago, just as I have several times over the past few years. Each time, this seemed to be a surprise to him. Sigh. I'm guessing he just doesn't remember our conversations, is in denial, or hoping I'll change my mind/heart.
Finally, I've come to the realization that I don't like being home anymore...in retrospect, this seems obvious, but I finally named it and claimed it. When H is up, I don't like dealing with him or his noisy pet or his blaring TV shows or his incessant repetitive questions and statements. When he is asleep, I fantasize/worry about what my life will be like when he is gone, and I hope that he goes soon.
And finally, finally, I am able to catch myself in conversation and respond with more patience and kindness than I thought I had. I keep saying to myself, "You've got a kid now…respond in kind."
All of this points to a few truths:
* My identity is H's caregiver (and partner) and little else
* I am feeling lost as I struggle to move past this identity and I worry about how lost I will feel when he is gone
* I am often profoundly tired and I understand why people just give up and walk away
But, push the rock up the hill again, I must.
He's got a classic car that he has been lovingly restoring for the past 20 years or so. It is the second love of his life, he tells me. He doesn't feel well enough to even take it out for a spin around the block, not to mention getting it to the shop again for some (more) restoration work.
I've been working to get him to accept that our romantic relationship is over. I told him so in so many words a bit ago, just as I have several times over the past few years. Each time, this seemed to be a surprise to him. Sigh. I'm guessing he just doesn't remember our conversations, is in denial, or hoping I'll change my mind/heart.
Finally, I've come to the realization that I don't like being home anymore...in retrospect, this seems obvious, but I finally named it and claimed it. When H is up, I don't like dealing with him or his noisy pet or his blaring TV shows or his incessant repetitive questions and statements. When he is asleep, I fantasize/worry about what my life will be like when he is gone, and I hope that he goes soon.
And finally, finally, I am able to catch myself in conversation and respond with more patience and kindness than I thought I had. I keep saying to myself, "You've got a kid now…respond in kind."
All of this points to a few
* My identity is H's caregiver (and partner) and little else
* I am feeling lost as I struggle to move past this identity and I worry about how lost I will feel when he is gone
* I am often profoundly tired and I understand why people just give up and walk away
But, push the rock up the hill again, I must.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Healthier weirdness
Now that H has had his gallbladder out, he is doing much better with eating. And he's just not in bed as much. I mean, he's up much of the day now on weekends, he's tidying up the house, and starting up long-mothballed projects.
This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.
It's so strange to have someone who has been in bed for 13 of the past 15 years and now he's not...to go from bed-ridden and terminal to talking about his hope for the future. I don't know how to be with him as a partner anymore...just as a caregiver.
And the MRI showed no changes in his brain over the last 5 years or so. I have fears it means this will just drag on and on.
I don't trust it. I don't really like it. And it pisses me off, "Where have you been the last decade, my dear?"
Oh sure, I'm happy for him that he's feeling better. But, the dissonance in my head is daunting. How do I reconcile the "I just wish you'd die already" feelings with the happiness *for him*. Well, I can't.
This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.
It's so strange to have someone who has been in bed for 13 of the past 15 years and now he's not...to go from bed-ridden and terminal to talking about his hope for the future. I don't know how to be with him as a partner anymore...just as a caregiver.
And the MRI showed no changes in his brain over the last 5 years or so. I have fears it means this will just drag on and on.
I don't trust it. I don't really like it. And it pisses me off, "Where have you been the last decade, my dear?"
Oh sure, I'm happy for him that he's feeling better. But, the dissonance in my head is daunting. How do I reconcile the "I just wish you'd die already" feelings with the happiness *for him*. Well, I can't.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Resistance is futile (or at least hurts)
I keep circling back to the notion that all suffering is caused by not accepting what is.
Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.
Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.
When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?
Stress, anger, resentment, just generally being in a foul mood and being unhappy. Anger at H and what I'm missing and I have to deal with. A bunch of crazy stuff at work that I get all riled up about. Negative voices in my head telling me just how f*'d up this all is.
Now, the trick is to accept reality as my facts and circumstances...some things I can change, some I can't (hopefully, I can tell the difference).
I can't change H and I can't really change work (much). All I can do is resist or accept reality.
Granted, I may not like what is happening, but fighting it and being all pissed off just hurts me.
Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.
Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.
When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?
Stress, anger, resentment, just generally being in a foul mood and being unhappy. Anger at H and what I'm missing and I have to deal with. A bunch of crazy stuff at work that I get all riled up about. Negative voices in my head telling me just how f*'d up this all is.
Now, the trick is to accept reality as my facts and circumstances...some things I can change, some I can't (hopefully, I can tell the difference).
I can't change H and I can't really change work (much). All I can do is resist or accept reality.
Granted, I may not like what is happening, but fighting it and being all pissed off just hurts me.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Wanna see something really scary?
For the first time in a long time, H told me that he was frightened last night.
I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.
But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show."
"I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the story is, first."
He continues, "I mean...I know I'm slipping, but I don't want to know why or what is causing it."
I just held him while he sobbed and told him that I love him. What else can you do?
I wish I could tell him that it will be OK and that there's nothing to worry about. But I don't believe that is true. Well, maybe it's true, but my hope has waned with his health.
As much as I desire to be free from my burden and desire him to be free of his, it's getting from here to there that is terrifying. And seeing him afraid is very hard.
H continues to have dreams where he can't find his cane or his car. He's half-naked and looking for a way home, but without his cane or car, he can't start the trip home, but he knows he has to get there somehow.
I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.
But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show."
"I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the story is, first."
He continues, "I mean...I know I'm slipping, but I don't want to know why or what is causing it."
I just held him while he sobbed and told him that I love him. What else can you do?
I wish I could tell him that it will be OK and that there's nothing to worry about. But I don't believe that is true. Well, maybe it's true, but my hope has waned with his health.
As much as I desire to be free from my burden and desire him to be free of his, it's getting from here to there that is terrifying. And seeing him afraid is very hard.
H continues to have dreams where he can't find his cane or his car. He's half-naked and looking for a way home, but without his cane or car, he can't start the trip home, but he knows he has to get there somehow.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Dopa, dopa
H's neurologist thinks that his shaking may be caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that produces dopamine. So, will try some Parkinson's meds to see if it helps him. And an MRI next week to see what's going on inside. Most likely, more brain damage from the virus, Dr tell us. H's other neurological symptoms are progressing as well.
Why I sleep so much
I asked him recently how he deals with all this: his failing health, being homebound, feedling sick all the time and in pain (I was more diplomatic and sensitive about it when I said it, of course). He said that is why he wants to sleep so much, so he can escape the pain, feeling sick, and despair about his condition.
Finally, I'm getting him to talk about these issues and he's not defensive or angry about it. Finally, I think that he is moving towards (some) acceptance of his situation, even tho' he doesn't like it.
The thing that is hardest about this for me is that I know he is tired, I know that he is hurting, and I know that his will to keep going on is fading. His will has always pulled him through his health challenges, but he is tired of fighting. But, of course, there's nothing I can do about any of that except help him and love him, which somehow doesn't seem enough.
I wish I could kiss him and make him better, but I can't (well, I can kiss him anyway).
Fun and fun
Last night I was tired and cranky. I told H that between him (5 trips to the pharmacy and 2 Dr. appts. this week), the pets, the house, and my job...all I do is work and I'm tired of it.
I appreciate that H didn't judge or wasn't defensive, but said, "I know that this is hard for you. Of course you're tired."
I know that need to get out and have fun. OK. Right now, I don't even know what might be fun any more. Now, not trying to be all morose or anything, but after all this time, the only thing that seems fun anymore is to start drinking and smoking again (which I won't).
That isn't fun...that is addictive behavior to escape.
H's neurologist thinks that his shaking may be caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that produces dopamine. So, will try some Parkinson's meds to see if it helps him. And an MRI next week to see what's going on inside. Most likely, more brain damage from the virus, Dr tell us. H's other neurological symptoms are progressing as well.
Why I sleep so much
I asked him recently how he deals with all this: his failing health, being homebound, feedling sick all the time and in pain (I was more diplomatic and sensitive about it when I said it, of course). He said that is why he wants to sleep so much, so he can escape the pain, feeling sick, and despair about his condition.
Finally, I'm getting him to talk about these issues and he's not defensive or angry about it. Finally, I think that he is moving towards (some) acceptance of his situation, even tho' he doesn't like it.
The thing that is hardest about this for me is that I know he is tired, I know that he is hurting, and I know that his will to keep going on is fading. His will has always pulled him through his health challenges, but he is tired of fighting. But, of course, there's nothing I can do about any of that except help him and love him, which somehow doesn't seem enough.
I wish I could kiss him and make him better, but I can't (well, I can kiss him anyway).
Fun and fun
Last night I was tired and cranky. I told H that between him (5 trips to the pharmacy and 2 Dr. appts. this week), the pets, the house, and my job...all I do is work and I'm tired of it.
I appreciate that H didn't judge or wasn't defensive, but said, "I know that this is hard for you. Of course you're tired."
I know that need to get out and have fun. OK. Right now, I don't even know what might be fun any more. Now, not trying to be all morose or anything, but after all this time, the only thing that seems fun anymore is to start drinking and smoking again (which I won't).
That isn't fun...that is addictive behavior to escape.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A trio of snippets
Another sick one in the house
Our remaining cat (we've lost two in the last year or so to a feline virus/cancer) now has a tumor on her belly. Sigh. More sickness in our house. We'll find out in a few days what's the deal.
We were told that it's likely she'll get sick as all of the other ones died of cancer and there is a virus in the house (well, two really).
So much sickness in the house. Sigh.
Can't be bothered
The other night, H and I were talking about how he's doin' (sometimes a touchy topic). I commented that the past few months have been hard on him and that he's sleeping more and more.
"Well, I only sleep so much because you don't want to be with me, you pressure me to go to bed, we're slipping apart, you won't have sex with me…" H says.
Me, I just sit there and don't say anything, not really feeling like I need to say anything for several minutes. No point in engaging as he won't understand and it will just lead to more ill will.
Nice not to be angry or defensive...just let it wash over me.
Lotta shakin'
H's hands are shaking more and more...a result of damage to his CNS by the virus. H did some homework on this and found out more about the progression of HIV dementia and what it means.
"Will I really turn into a vegetable?" he asks me.
"I hope not, honey; I hope not."
Our remaining cat (we've lost two in the last year or so to a feline virus/cancer) now has a tumor on her belly. Sigh. More sickness in our house. We'll find out in a few days what's the deal.
We were told that it's likely she'll get sick as all of the other ones died of cancer and there is a virus in the house (well, two really).
So much sickness in the house. Sigh.
Can't be bothered
The other night, H and I were talking about how he's doin' (sometimes a touchy topic). I commented that the past few months have been hard on him and that he's sleeping more and more.
"Well, I only sleep so much because you don't want to be with me, you pressure me to go to bed, we're slipping apart, you won't have sex with me…" H says.
Me, I just sit there and don't say anything, not really feeling like I need to say anything for several minutes. No point in engaging as he won't understand and it will just lead to more ill will.
Nice not to be angry or defensive...just let it wash over me.
Lotta shakin'
H's hands are shaking more and more...a result of damage to his CNS by the virus. H did some homework on this and found out more about the progression of HIV dementia and what it means.
"Will I really turn into a vegetable?" he asks me.
"I hope not, honey; I hope not."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Two 2011 snippets
Happy New Year to my gentle readers.
I'm still alive and kicking out West. H is stable, which is a nice change. And I'm spending more and more time at work…and less and less time at home, which is preferred.
What to say?
On a typical day, H will complain repetitively about:
How sick he feels, how tired he is, how much pain he is in
How he hates taking his meds
How his dad disappointed him and has made stupid choices
How his mom was an emotionally abusive monster (she was)
How he doesn't get his needs met at home (from me)
How he is frustrated that he spends so much time in bed
How he is disappointed that he will never go on an international trip (Australia in particular)
How he is frustrated that he can't do what he used to do
And the only response I can muster to the repetitive sad state he's in is, "I'm sorry, honey," or "It was a long time ago" or "that must be frustrating or disappointing."
Thing is, I want to make him feel better, but I really can't. And I know that just being here is a help for him...to act as a witness to his life and feelings. But, sheesh, it is sad for me to see his pain and sadness and loss of hope, knowing that not only is there no way for me to fix it, but also that there is little likelihood that he can as well.
Acceptance is really, really hard.
This rock, again?
Poor Sisyphus...pushing that same rock up the hill, only to have to do it all over again. Can he choose another rock or another hill? Can he just decide not to push it up the hill? If he doesn't push it up the hill, is life worth living? (Apologies to Camus.)
Me, I've decided to just polish up my rock so at least it is purdy.
I'm still alive and kicking out West. H is stable, which is a nice change. And I'm spending more and more time at work…and less and less time at home, which is preferred.
What to say?
On a typical day, H will complain repetitively about:
How sick he feels, how tired he is, how much pain he is in
How he hates taking his meds
How his dad disappointed him and has made stupid choices
How his mom was an emotionally abusive monster (she was)
How he doesn't get his needs met at home (from me)
How he is frustrated that he spends so much time in bed
How he is disappointed that he will never go on an international trip (Australia in particular)
How he is frustrated that he can't do what he used to do
And the only response I can muster to the repetitive sad state he's in is, "I'm sorry, honey," or "It was a long time ago" or "that must be frustrating or disappointing."
Thing is, I want to make him feel better, but I really can't. And I know that just being here is a help for him...to act as a witness to his life and feelings. But, sheesh, it is sad for me to see his pain and sadness and loss of hope, knowing that not only is there no way for me to fix it, but also that there is little likelihood that he can as well.
Acceptance is really, really hard.
This rock, again?
Poor Sisyphus...pushing that same rock up the hill, only to have to do it all over again. Can he choose another rock or another hill? Can he just decide not to push it up the hill? If he doesn't push it up the hill, is life worth living? (Apologies to Camus.)
Me, I've decided to just polish up my rock so at least it is purdy.
Monday, December 06, 2010
All H, all the time
Well, I'm trying to give y'all a more balanced view, as not all is bad in my world (although incredibly crazy)...but you know, it is still bleak with H. In many ways, my crazy job is a respite from my caregiving and issues at home. And for that I am glad that I have a distraction.
It just seems that there is always a health crisis/issue with H these days...if it isn't one thing it's another. He's lost 30 lbs due to GI distress, had to have his gallbladder taken out, has had major issues with obtaining some meds, a whole pile of stupid Dr.-related stuff, and serious side effects from some new meds.
Latest is that his virologist is in collusion with his pain Dr. to reduce the amount of pain meds H is on. The pain Dr. upped and upped his pain meds until she talked with his virologist. Now, everyone's in an uproar again.
It nets out to, I work and I deal with his health issues.
Even after having his gallbladder removed, he's not really eating much...even his favorite cinnamon rolls sit on the counter uneaten. And he still sleeps almost all of the time. So, he can't even make a sandwich for himself and won't eat what I leave for him.
I talked with him about how we might need to have someone come in during the day and make certain he eats. He thought it "ridiculous" that someone has to "babysit" him. I told him that Drs have told me to expect that at some point he will not be able to do some aspect of daily living activities and that he will need help.
H said, "Yea, OK, I know that is where I'm headed. I'm sorry. I love you (asm's endearing pet name)."
"I love you too, H."
It just seems that there is always a health crisis/issue with H these days...if it isn't one thing it's another. He's lost 30 lbs due to GI distress, had to have his gallbladder taken out, has had major issues with obtaining some meds, a whole pile of stupid Dr.-related stuff, and serious side effects from some new meds.
Latest is that his virologist is in collusion with his pain Dr. to reduce the amount of pain meds H is on. The pain Dr. upped and upped his pain meds until she talked with his virologist. Now, everyone's in an uproar again.
It nets out to, I work and I deal with his health issues.
Even after having his gallbladder removed, he's not really eating much...even his favorite cinnamon rolls sit on the counter uneaten. And he still sleeps almost all of the time. So, he can't even make a sandwich for himself and won't eat what I leave for him.
I talked with him about how we might need to have someone come in during the day and make certain he eats. He thought it "ridiculous" that someone has to "babysit" him. I told him that Drs have told me to expect that at some point he will not be able to do some aspect of daily living activities and that he will need help.
H said, "Yea, OK, I know that is where I'm headed. I'm sorry. I love you (asm's endearing pet name)."
"I love you too, H."
Friday, October 29, 2010
Halloween snippets
Family visits
H's dad and youngest sister (G) came for a visit; they live in a far away part of the US.
The occasion was a wonderful soiree for the middle sister's 50th B-day.
G hasn't seen H for over two years now. Before she came up, H told her that he "is not sure he can keep doing this." And when she saw him, she was shocked at how thin and frail he was compared to two years ago, the last time she saw him.
G is wanting to come up to see H again before the end of the calendar year. And I am glad for that because there is no way that H can make the trip down to see her.
My dance card is full, thank you tho'
On a related topic, H has to have his gallbladder removed and they also found an irregular heart beat when they did an endoscopy.
So, off to a cardiologist for a pre-surgery screening (never heard of this before).
I'm terrified that H won't wake up from the surgery and I told him so. He said, "I know, (asm), but it won't be bad for me, I'll be asleep. Know that I love you."
Present is as present does
I strive to be fully present when I'm with H (well, just in general). As a result, I find that I say things I don't expect, such as, "I'm tired of working all the time...at work, at home...I have to do everything now...it's just not fair."
H responds, "I'm sorry..."
"Me too, but I know that you would change it if you could and I would too. But it is what it is, so let's make the best of the time we have."
"Is it OK if I take a nap?" H asks.
"Of course, honey."
H's dad and youngest sister (G) came for a visit; they live in a far away part of the US.
The occasion was a wonderful soiree for the middle sister's 50th B-day.
G hasn't seen H for over two years now. Before she came up, H told her that he "is not sure he can keep doing this." And when she saw him, she was shocked at how thin and frail he was compared to two years ago, the last time she saw him.
G is wanting to come up to see H again before the end of the calendar year. And I am glad for that because there is no way that H can make the trip down to see her.
My dance card is full, thank you tho'
On a related topic, H has to have his gallbladder removed and they also found an irregular heart beat when they did an endoscopy.
So, off to a cardiologist for a pre-surgery screening (never heard of this before).
I'm terrified that H won't wake up from the surgery and I told him so. He said, "I know, (asm), but it won't be bad for me, I'll be asleep. Know that I love you."
Present is as present does
I strive to be fully present when I'm with H (well, just in general). As a result, I find that I say things I don't expect, such as, "I'm tired of working all the time...at work, at home...I have to do everything now...it's just not fair."
H responds, "I'm sorry..."
"Me too, but I know that you would change it if you could and I would too. But it is what it is, so let's make the best of the time we have."
"Is it OK if I take a nap?" H asks.
"Of course, honey."
Thursday, October 07, 2010
This wonderful feeling
In spite of it all, H and I are better together these days.
Maybe it's that the medical stuff is so routine now...even with new issues... or we've reached some type of détente in our expectations for one another. Or maybe we're both getting closer to acceptance. But on occasion and more regularly, that gentle fondness is there in the forefront and we talk, laugh, and playfully joke with bad puns...just like before.
Oh, and I finally told H just how lonely I am given that he sleeps so much and that I'm tired of being in our house alone...I just have to get out, which disturbed him greatly. I told him that we both wish it was different, but it is what it is.
So, for the past few days, he's been in bed less...up when I get home, sitting in the kitchen while I make dinner...even making some simple joint plans for the weekend…routine stuff that other couples perhaps take for granted, but that we haven't had for so, so long.
While I'm enjoying his company a lot right now, I do find myself being mistrustful that this is just a brief episode that won't last. And a tad pissed off that he's been missing in action for so long (e.g, for much of the past decade). And, for some reason, my grief keeps coming up.
But, all I can do is enjoy it this wonderful feeling while I have it and while I have him.
And, for right now, I am grateful.
Maybe it's that the medical stuff is so routine now...even with new issues... or we've reached some type of détente in our expectations for one another. Or maybe we're both getting closer to acceptance. But on occasion and more regularly, that gentle fondness is there in the forefront and we talk, laugh, and playfully joke with bad puns...just like before.
Oh, and I finally told H just how lonely I am given that he sleeps so much and that I'm tired of being in our house alone...I just have to get out, which disturbed him greatly. I told him that we both wish it was different, but it is what it is.
So, for the past few days, he's been in bed less...up when I get home, sitting in the kitchen while I make dinner...even making some simple joint plans for the weekend…routine stuff that other couples perhaps take for granted, but that we haven't had for so, so long.
While I'm enjoying his company a lot right now, I do find myself being mistrustful that this is just a brief episode that won't last. And a tad pissed off that he's been missing in action for so long (e.g, for much of the past decade). And, for some reason, my grief keeps coming up.
But, all I can do is enjoy it this wonderful feeling while I have it and while I have him.
And, for right now, I am grateful.
Friday, October 01, 2010
First snippets of Fall
Doctor, doctor
As expected, H's health continues to be up and down, but mostly slowly down. Most recently, he's been having stomach pain and is having a much harder time walking than ever before. Some of the walking issue is his dementia and some of it is that he has a somewhat lame leg and hand due to a stroke about 15 years ago. H said to me last night, "I'm so mad at how frail I've gotten. I worry that I'll never recover...."
H and I joke about his dance card being full (on both sides) and now we are talking about stapling another dance card on so that we can add a potential gall bladder issue as well as the need for ongoing PT, not to mention more trouble holding things due to shaking, new pain now in his scalp from neuropathy, etc. And he's not eating very much and is down to 140 lbs again.
So, a series of Dr. visits this week...everyday this week, a new doctor, an old doctor, a referral, etc. And then next week, Dr. appts for him 3 of the 5 days. Hard to find the time to work.
Now, we haven't had a spate of Dr. appts like this in a long time (thankfully), but even tho' I am more than completely capable of dealing with it all, it bores the hell out of me. And while I am sympathetic and want to help, I just wonder when this will all stop...for H's sake as well as mine.
A death in the family
Our young Siamese cat finally died; he should have lived for 20+ years as Siamese are a very long-lived breed. Last Tuesday, I found him stretched out on the kitchen floor in a pool of his own (well, you know) at about 6am. And he had been coughing up blood overnight. We knew that he was close, but like most folks, we were looking for the right time...not too soon, not too late...you know. I feel really bad that we didn't put him down before he got to this point.
I went to comfort him...not knowing if he was dead or not...and gently petted his head and called his name. He cried and cried and cried and cried...wailing really...and his face was sunken in (dramatic since the night before) and his eyes hollow and red. It was like knives into my heart...my poor boy...he is only 7 years old. He was one of my favorite kitties of all time. He cried for hours until we got him to the vet when they opened at 9. I can still hear his crying in my head a week later.
So we go to the vet, H and I, to put our friend down. Now, I am a complete sobbing mess...can't even talk to the vet. H to his credit was very calm and just spent time telling the cat how much we loved him until the end. H hardly shed a tear. But I blubbered all the way there and back and the whole time we were at the vet. Last cat we lost, I shed a tear or two, but sheesh, nothing like this.
I think finding the cat in the state I did triggered a lot of my grief around finding H in in similar states (many times) over the years. If I had found the cat dead, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But seeing someone you love so sick they can't raise their head, looking so different from just the night before, and crying and crying and crying...very hard.
I am so glad that my kitty is relieved of his pain and suffering; I am glad that we were able to do that for him.
As expected, H's health continues to be up and down, but mostly slowly down. Most recently, he's been having stomach pain and is having a much harder time walking than ever before. Some of the walking issue is his dementia and some of it is that he has a somewhat lame leg and hand due to a stroke about 15 years ago. H said to me last night, "I'm so mad at how frail I've gotten. I worry that I'll never recover...."
H and I joke about his dance card being full (on both sides) and now we are talking about stapling another dance card on so that we can add a potential gall bladder issue as well as the need for ongoing PT, not to mention more trouble holding things due to shaking, new pain now in his scalp from neuropathy, etc. And he's not eating very much and is down to 140 lbs again.
So, a series of Dr. visits this week...everyday this week, a new doctor, an old doctor, a referral, etc. And then next week, Dr. appts for him 3 of the 5 days. Hard to find the time to work.
Now, we haven't had a spate of Dr. appts like this in a long time (thankfully), but even tho' I am more than completely capable of dealing with it all, it bores the hell out of me. And while I am sympathetic and want to help, I just wonder when this will all stop...for H's sake as well as mine.
A death in the family
Our young Siamese cat finally died; he should have lived for 20+ years as Siamese are a very long-lived breed. Last Tuesday, I found him stretched out on the kitchen floor in a pool of his own (well, you know) at about 6am. And he had been coughing up blood overnight. We knew that he was close, but like most folks, we were looking for the right time...not too soon, not too late...you know. I feel really bad that we didn't put him down before he got to this point.
I went to comfort him...not knowing if he was dead or not...and gently petted his head and called his name. He cried and cried and cried and cried...wailing really...and his face was sunken in (dramatic since the night before) and his eyes hollow and red. It was like knives into my heart...my poor boy...he is only 7 years old. He was one of my favorite kitties of all time. He cried for hours until we got him to the vet when they opened at 9. I can still hear his crying in my head a week later.
So we go to the vet, H and I, to put our friend down. Now, I am a complete sobbing mess...can't even talk to the vet. H to his credit was very calm and just spent time telling the cat how much we loved him until the end. H hardly shed a tear. But I blubbered all the way there and back and the whole time we were at the vet. Last cat we lost, I shed a tear or two, but sheesh, nothing like this.
I think finding the cat in the state I did triggered a lot of my grief around finding H in in similar states (many times) over the years. If I had found the cat dead, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But seeing someone you love so sick they can't raise their head, looking so different from just the night before, and crying and crying and crying...very hard.
I am so glad that my kitty is relieved of his pain and suffering; I am glad that we were able to do that for him.
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