Freefall

The day after I talked with H's doctor I told H too.
 
I didn't want it to come out this way, but I blurted it out as he was ragging on me about stuff that doesn't matter anymore.
 
Anger, crying, bargaining, denial…he's been all over the map. I'm doing OK right now…a bit or more sad, but also emboldened. And afraid and excited.
 
He's screaming, "I'm not sick enough. I'm only 48…I can't go to a nursing home. You can't make me leave. We'll get someone to come in and help, so you don't have to make dinner…they can make dinner for you too. You promised me that you'd never make me leave my home. I've see the people at (place)…I'm not one of them!"
 
I don't say much…I just let him vent. I've already decided what has to happen. I need to get away and he needs to get care. Simply really.
 
This went on for the better part of a Saturday until around dinner time I said, "Honey, I don't want to talk about this anymore."
 
Sunday…

More crying. He's on the phone with his sister. I haven't told his family yet as I wanted to tell H first out of respect…but that backfired.

He keeps coming back to bringing someone into the house, but I’m not budging. Then he says he needs time to think, it's a surprise. Then, "I'll do anything to stay."
 
The clarity is amazing. I look at H directly in the eye with my hand over my heart and I tell him that I love him and that no matter what he says, I am convinced that the right thing is for us to not live together anymore. I've cared for him for 10 years and I can't do it anymore.
 
"You want a divorce," he says. I've heard this one before.
 
"That's how you frame it," I say as flatly as I can.
 
"You told me that you'd never make me leave my home."
 
"I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore."
 
"When I leave, you'll have younger boyfriends here and I don't want that," he says.
 
"You have no idea what will happen when you're not here. Maybe I'll have some peace & quiet for the first time in 10 years, " I say. "I just don't want the responsibility anymore. I've done this for 10 years and that's enough."

I continue, "We're just poisoning what's left of our love. You need more care. I need to focus on work. Finally, there is nothing that you can say that will convince me that anything other than us not living together is the right thing for both of us. I've struggled with this for 3 plus years and I've thought about this a lot. Now, we can negotiate the terms, but it is the right thing to happen. I am absolutely convinced."
 
We spend the evening with me holding him on the couch watching TV, both of us crying from time to time.