Paused, but not forgotten

Really, I am trying to keep posts shorter, but am failing right now.

I've been thinking and thinking and having a few brief conversations with H's family. There seems to be this misunderstanding that if I get a break in November and his local sister "takes" him 1 or 2 weekends a month that all will be happy for moi. Errrrrrr, no.

How could they really understand?

I understand that they WANT to see it this way as this makes it easier for them to deny what is happening to their brother. And to assuage their guilt.

But, I got the application in the mail today for (place) and I've called them to let them know that there will be a delay…a pause in the placement.

Maybe after H is with his sister out of state for a few weeks, they'll see how he's declined. Maybe they won't be able to see it. I don't know. My hope is that they do; if they don't, it's just denial IMHO.

I've decided that I also just need to get out of the middle. And at some level, I don't care if his family agrees with me or not; I'd like them to and to be supportive, but, it's not necessary. Just like, at some level, I can't expect H to agree with me.

While H is away, I'll get calls with his family and doctor set up. I'll also get his local sister to come to his doctor's office with me and talk with him. Heck, why not have them come to my psych appointments?

I'll just connect them directly to the experts and the family can argue with them and try their guilt tripping.

It is easier for his family to blame me than it is to look at how H has declined. I understand.

Then again, I keep coming home to a clean house, fed & exercised pets, and the evidence that he's eaten during food that he has prepared during the day. He is trying hard to show that he's not as impaired as I think he is…and as his doctor thinks he is.

On the latter front, I will schedule a dementia evaluation with a local expert whose number I just got today. Let's add more "proof" to the pudding, shall we?

This beautiful, sunny Fall morning H and I were in the hot tub. I told him that I was filing for Family Leave today and that it meant no pay for part of the time. He said, "Will you sell your car?" He is totally obsessed with me selling my car for some reason. Guess he thinks that all this is just a money problem.

It's easier to think that there's a money problem than to face what is really happening…that I'm burned out and can't cope anymore.

Oh, I submitted the formal paperwork for Leave this morning and spent the rest of the day feeling lighter and (formally) ignoring my job.