Monday, October 22, 2007

Now that I have your attention...

After a stormy late last week and weekend, it's calming down again.

So, now the family is rallied and taking H off my hands for awhile. I got scolded for acting without checking with them first, but, hey, they don't participate much anyway. The local sister is so guilt-ridden that she tells me that she's embarrassed to talk with me.

Yesterday, H went to his sister's in town for Sunday afternoon so I could "have a break." I slept the whole afternoon. I am so tired I can hardly focus at work today.

H is leaving for his other sister's place out of town in a week or so for 2 - 3 weeks.

I am still planning on filing for Family Medical Leave as I am so exhausted, I can hardly get out of bed. I feel that there is some risk to my career in doing this, but hey, I'm already in tepid-to-hot water, and FML is government-protected.

I DO know that if I stay and work, I won't be doing any better work than I have been doing and will likely do worse: my ability to concentrate is getting worse, my motivation about the work is non-existent, and my attitude continues to decline.

Hopefully, then, I'll be able to have some time off from work at the same time H is not at home. Not certain just what I'll be doing with all that time, but I likely will be sleeping a lot.

Clearly, his family is feeling some guilt and trying to hook me. I'm not letting them….

"You can't just send him away to die!" they said.

"He is dying anyway, you just don't see it. I see it every day."

"I just wish that he wasn't so terrified," his sister says.

"Me too. It's hard to see him so afraid."

They have heaped the guilt on "there's got to be an alternative to taking him away from his home and losing his independence," "when you marry someone, this is what it means (so it is divorce, then)," and "I would never do that to my husband."

To all that I said, "Stop talking divorce…not only is it not true, but it's not helpful. Look, I'm not the bad guy just because I can't cope anymore. Everyone is telling me what I should or should not be doing and feeling, but no one has been walking in my moccasins for 10 years."

While I want to be angry with them, I really don't have sufficient energy for that right now…conserve the energy for what matters.

All that I care about right now is 1) get H out of the house, even if just for a few weeks , to clear my head and rest (check) and 2) get a break from work (file tomorrow).

I haven't given up on placement for H, just a bit of a pause in the program.

3 comments:

Y | O | Y said...

Lots of sleeping and hard to get out of bed are signs of depression. I'm not a doctor, but you might consider having yourself checked out. There is no shame in recognizing a need and taking corrective action. I take Paxil to cope. You may only need something temporarily to get you through.

I'm happy that you have a break. And as far as the "that's what marriage means," couples that have been together for 50 years and face this due to some other reason often must seek help for their partner's care in a facility. You certainly wouldn't be the first to do this, and won't be the last. He's actually lucky that he'll have an advocate to get him through the system and assure his proper care.

I'm proud of you. :)

RG said...

I found your blog through YOY - I've been obsessively reading at my desk at work when I should be doing data entry.

I took care of both my parents when they were ill and it's no picnic. You're doing the right thing.

Zacki said...

Sounds like at least some brief solace is heading your way. You are smart not to let the family get to you. You should feel what you need to feel and act with your conscience... You are quite a sstrong man to deal with all this for so long and not have collapsed or fallen into a deep depression. Take the time while he is gone to restore a bit of "you." Maybe rediscover some things you used to do but haven't in quite some time...