Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Strange disconnections

Today, I had to come into the office to do a few last things before I’m off for the next 3 months. It's very strange being here, knowing that I won't be coming in for awhile.

On one hand, I'm glad that I'm getting the break. On the other hand, I've been experiencing some profound sadness today. It's not just about work, I know that. But I've been denying for long enough that somehow I can still do the work and soldier on while also caring for H during his decline. And so, taking leave from work is another physical manifestation of how hard it is for me to be able to care for H over the years.

I talked with H on the phone and he's very unhappy being at his sister's: "It's a very full house, it's too hot/cold here, I don’t feel well, I miss you, I miss being a t home."

All I could do is tell him that it's only for a short while and that I miss him too. Well, what I miss is my memory of him. I don't miss the care that I have to provide, the responsibility that I've assumed, or his incessant questions first thing every morning.

Now, off to home for a nap and maybe Oprah.


Y | O | Y said...

Now the recharging of your batteries can commence. It's going to give you some new perspective without the constant tasks placed upon you. When I try to describe the difficulty of caregiving, it isn't so much the tasks themselves, it's that it is non-stop. You're on duty 24/7/365 and it just tires ya out!

My advice is to sleep in and indulge yourself as a reward for your hard work!

Robert said...

Ditto all of the above, and let the emotional side-effects roll over you. Soon it will be time for you to make long-term plans for the future.