Thursday, October 11, 2007

Guess my best wasn't good enough

One of the not-surprising impacts that H's illness has had on me the past few years is that my ability to work is greatly reduced. Not from the time perspective, but of having focus, energy, motivation, productivity, initiative, & creativity...the merit badges in my company.

How could his illness not affect my emotional state? And how could my emotional state not affect my work (or my ability to just do work)?

It is so frustrating to me that I am so hindered by what is happening with H. I am performing so far below my abilities. The job that I’m in, which I should be able to just nail as it is one of the easier jobs that I've had in a long while, seems incredibly difficult for me.

It's not just depression. It's exhaustion too and a whole spinning, flaming ball of other strong emotions.

Regardless of the emotional state, my best at this point is not good enough for what the company expects from me (especially since I've done much harder things here prior). I just want to say, to scream from my desk, "I can do better…it's not because I'm lazy or clueless, it's because of this difficult personal issue that I have…which just drags on and on."

They have been more than accommodating and I'm running out of time here. The cool thing is that it will take awhile to fire me for performance (don't you love big companies?), so I have a bit of maneuvering room.

And so, I have two key goals for the remainder of this year (if I do nothing else):

- Not live with H anymore and get him into a facility where he can get the care he needs
- Get an extended (measured in months) break (take leave) from my job so I can rest and sort myself out

Given my mental and emotional state right now, doing well at work is not even on the long list of things I care about...but I DO care about it as a matter of pride, of identity, of reputation. I just don't have the energy to deliver and it's not the biggest fish I have to fry right now.

I will say, tho', that I will continue to blog as that is my 3rd goal for this year.

1 comment:

Elanor said...

It is so hard to concentrate and work effectively with the chronic tiredness of caring. you are right about the exhausation and the impact it has, now wonder carers have more health problems.